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1、美国新星我爱你美国Iloveyou,Americal你们也爱我Andyoulovemel来自好莱坞这里是吉米鸡毛秀FromHollywood,it,sJimmyKimmelLive!今晚嘉宾玛丽亚索菲亚埃斯特拉达Tonight,MariaSofiaEstrada.玛丽亚索菲亚很荣幸Well,MariaSofia,itisagreatpleasure能请到你tohaveyouhere.-如果你没看过年轻的拉里她在里面抢尽了风头IfyouhaventseenYoungLarry,shestealstheshow.我是说绝对是Imean,absolutely.-没错喔Thatsright.Whoo!
2、你是个抢风头的人Youreashowstealer.确实如此是啊我是Thatstrue.Yeah,Iam.显然自信对你来说不是问题And,obviously,confidenceisnotanissuewithyou.那你觉得你为什么会得到这个角色Sowhydoyouthinkyougotthispart?很明显我是最棒的Iwasthebest,clearly.那么节目里有很多即兴表演吗So,istherealotofimprovontheshow?是的有个剧本Yes,theresascript,但大部分台词都是我自己编的butImakeupmostofmyownlines,加入我自己的想法写
3、得更好putmyownspinonthewords,makeitbetter.*我有一个结构化的解决方案*1haveAstructuredsettlement*但我现在需要现金*ButIneedcashnow*打电♥话♥给J.G温特沃斯*CallJ.G.Wentworth*号♥码是877-现金就现在*877-CASH-NOW*我有一些巨额年金但我现在需要现金*1havesomebigannuitiesButIneedcashnow*打电♥话♥给J.G温特沃斯*CallJ.G.Wentworth*877现金就现在*-你能不能别
4、再唱了#877-CASH-NOW*-Couldyoujuststopwiththat-别唱那个广♥告♥歌♥stopwiththatcommercial?我不想听Idontwannahearthat.-别在屋子里唱那首歌♥-我想停下来我停不下来Dontsingthatinthehouse.-1wannastop.Icantstop!好了打住Well,stop!-燕麦牛奶呢Wherestheoatmilk?哦就在这里Oh,righthere.哦我永远不会停止喝杏仁牛奶的先生Oh,Mr.mnevergonnastopdrinkingalmond
5、milk.,是的哦-因为我跟你说过杏仁牛奶的事吗Yeah.Oh.-BecausewhatdidItellyouaboutalmondmilk?是的不很好-还记得吗Yeah.No,good.-Rememberagain?是啊不好是啊-我们说了什么Yeah,bad.Yeah.-Whatdidwesay?你知道他们用在Youknow,thewaterthattheyusein在这个州给这些杏仁灌溉的水inthisstateforthesealmonds还有甲氧不碇在毒杀蜜蜂andthemethophexohexadine,theyrekillingthebees!很抱歉你不开心拉里msorryyou
6、reunhappy,Larry,但作为她的担♥保♥人butashersponsor,我告诉你她根本无法接受分手mtellingyou,shesimplycannothandleabreakup.要多久-他们说Howlongarewetalking?-Well,theysaynochanges在节目的前90天没有变化但是forthefirst90daysintheprogram,but厄玛的话我是说至少六个月withIrma,Imean,minimumsixmonths.六个月Sixmonths?我需要你答应我拉里六个月Ineedyoutopromiseme,Larr
7、y.Sixmonths.答应我拉里还有根部真菌的增殖Promiseme,Larry.-Andtheproliferationofrootfungus-是的燕麦牛奶Yeah,oatmilk.-就是这样这才是应该喝的Thatsit.Thatsthewaytogo.哦如果你在去高尔夫俱乐部的路上经过药房♥Oh,ifyougopastthepharmacyonyourwaytothegolfclub,这是给我治锤状脚趾的thisisformyhammertoe.我不去高尔夫俱乐部mnotgoingtothegolfclub.不但如果你去了不但我不去No,butifyoudo.-No,bu
8、tmnotgoing.但你会比我先走所以你能给我买♥♥这个吗ButyouwillgobeforeIdo,sowouldyougetmethese?我不在乎它们是黑的白的还是特大号♥的Idontcareiftheyreblack,white,extra-large.*我有一个结构化的解决方案*Oh,IhaveAstructuredsettlement*但我现在需要现金*ButIneedcashnow*打电♥话♥给）.G温特沃斯*CallJ.G.Wentworth*号♥码是877-现金就现在*女877-CASH-N
9、OW*Siri去沃夫斯格伦的方向Siri,directionstoWolfsglen.-去大灰狼旅馆的方向DirectionstoGreatWolfLodge.不Siri沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅No,Siri,WolfsglenRestaurant.我找到了一个选项OneoptionIsee,本尼迪克特峡谷的伍德花♥园♥用品WoodsGardenSupplyonBenedictCanyon.Siri韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅Siri!WolfsglenRestaurantinWestwood.我看到了一个选项OneoptionIsee,伯班克的伍尔西餐厅TheWoolse
10、yRestaurantinBurbank.不不不你没在听No!No,no,yourenotlistening!我说的是韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅IsaidWolfsglenRestaurantinWestwood.狼窝是保护狼Awolfsdenisahabitatthatprovideswolves免受伤害的的栖息地-不你♥他♥妈♥的白♥痴♥withprotectionfrom-No,youstupidfuckingidiot!是韦斯特伍德的沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅ItsWolfsglenRestaurantinWestwoodl
11、我看到了一个选项OneoptionIsee,杰沃尔夫服装公♥司♥-不啊你♥他♥妈♥的JayWolfClothing.No!Ah,youfuck!沃尔夫斯格伦餐厅WolfsglenRestaurant!对不起我没明白Sorry,Ididntgetthat.我的上帝你♥他♥妈♥的白♥痴♥是沃尔夫斯格伦你这个嫉♥子♥Oh,myGod,youfuckingmoron!ItsWolfsglen,youcunt.邦特蛋糕是一种在邦特平底锅中
12、烘焙的蛋糕BundtcakeisacakethatisbakedinaBundtpan.不是邦特啊我说你这个姨♥子♥NotBundt!Gah!Isaid,Youcunt,我说你这个嫉♥子♥Isaid,Youcunt!对不起我没听懂-我叫你嫉♥子♥Sorry,Ididntgetthat.-1calledyouacunt!我看到一个选择内华达州卡森市OneoptionIsee,CarsonCity,Nevada.啊啊啊啊闭嘴Oh,shutup!我看到一个选择羊毛手套OneoptionIsee,woolglove.他
13、妈的闭嘴Shutthefuckup!对不起我没听懂-哦去你的Sorry,Ididntgetthat.-Oh,fuckyou!有人付钱让你Somebodyispayingyoutojustshowup在亚特兰大的一个生日派对上露个脸atabirthdaypartyinAtlanta.是的我是说太蠢了-是啊有钱人Yeah.Imean,sostupid.-Yeah,richguy.他们付给他一大笔钱Theyrepayinghimatonofmoney.真的吗真可笑Really?-Ridiculous.这家伙是谁他怎么知道你是谁Whoisthisguy?Howdoesheevenknowwhoyoua
14、re?他是来自非洲的富商HesawealthybusinessmanfromAfrica他喜欢看年轻的拉里wholovesYoungLarry.是的玛丽亚索菲亚也会去的Yeah,MariaSofiasgonnabethere,too.哦好吧现在说得通了卖♥♥点在她Oh,well,nowitmakessense.She,sthedraw.对了里昂和我们一起去是因为他阿姨瑞伊Bytheway,LeonsgoingwithuscausehisAuntieRae住在亚特兰大livesinAtlanta.记得她吗是吗我记得瑞伊阿姨Rememberher?Yeah?-1reme
15、mberAuntieRae.代我向她问好Sendhermyregards.那你打算怎么做讲些笑话什么的吗Sowhatareyougonnado,tellsomejokesorsomething?不这很好我很高兴你提起这件事No,thisisgood.mgladyoubroughtthisup.我想把这个写进合同里-当然Iwantthisinthe.contract-Surel好吧我不会做任何演讲Okay.mnotgonnadoanyspeeches.我不会表演任何单口相声我不会说任何祝酒词mnotgonnadoanystand-up.mnotgonnadoanytoasts.我会交际我会握手我
16、表现亲切llmingle,llshakehands,andllbecordial.你知道如何表现得亲切吗Doyouevenknowhowtobecordial?我觉得会我可以吗Ithinkso.DoI?我估计你会Iwouldguessyoudo.我不认为我能但我会努力的IdontthinkIcan,butlltry.这里到底有吃的吗Isthe-Arewegettinganyfoodhere?真是难以置信我知道Thisisunbelievable.-1know.已经半个小时了It,sbeenhalfafuckinghouralready.我点了汤和三明治Igotsoupandasandwich.
17、我能给你-我的上帝CanIgiveyouMyGod.对不起是的Excuseme.-Yeah.我们已经在这里坐了半个小时了Wevebeensittinghereforahalfhour我们已经在这里坐了半个小时了Wevebeensittinghereforahalfhour等待我们的食物waitingforourfood.对此我很抱歉你的服务员本尼msosorryaboutthat.Yourserver,Benny,他有点心不在焉hesalittledistracted.他母亲几天前去世了Hismotherpassedawayacoupleofdaysago.几天前的事儿他就来上班了Fewday
18、sagoandhecomesintowork?他来上班干什么如果他心烦意乱Whatshecominginfor?-Ifhesallupset,那他应该回家服丧了thenheshouldbehomeinmourning.很明显你不能抱怨Andyoucantcomplain,obviously.不你不能去找经理这是一个没有胜算的局面No,youcantgotothemanager.It,sano-winsituation.是啊你知道还有什么吗现在别人还可怜他他还能额外拿小费Yeah,andyouknowwhatelse?Nowhegetsacondolencetip.是的你别无选择-是的Yeah.
19、Yougotnochoice.Yeah.嘿让我问你一个问题这是怎么回事Hey,letmeaskyouaquestion.What,sgoingonhere?什么-这是这是新的What?-Thisisa-Thisisnew.我不知道你在说什么Idontknowwhatyouretalkingabout.你决定染头发了Uh,youdecidedtojustdyeyourhair?什么-你不知道WhaYeah.What?-Youdont-你不知道它现在是棕色的上周还是灰色的youdontknowthatit,sbrownanditwasgraylastweek?你这么做是为了什么-我我喜欢Whata
20、reyoudoingthatfor?-I-Ilikeit哦是的你喜欢吗Oh,yeah,youlikeit?我知道-你确定麦克白夫人Ido.-YousureLadyMacbeth与那件事无关吗didnthaveanythingtodowiththat?你巴不得你有一个关心你的妻子Youwishyouhadawifethatcaredaboutyou.你巴不得你有个妻子我差点做了一个Youwishyouhadawife.-1almostdida我差点吐口水了Ialmostdidaspittake.杰夫你是自愿做出这个选择的Jeftyoumadethischoicebyyourownfreewill
21、.对吗你告诉他告诉他Isthatright?Youtellhim.Tellhim!终于来了这是我们的食物Finally!Theresourfood.哦本尼是的Oh,Benny.Yeah.我听说了你母亲的事Iheardaboutyourmother.我很抱歉哦天哪msosorry.Oh,gosh.非常感谢你这么说Thankyousomuchforsayingthat,他在干什么-这可能要花很长时间了Whatshedoing?Thiscouldtakeforevernow.我是说你只有一个母亲我崩溃了1mean,youonlygetonemother.mdevastated,老实说我不想哦谢谢to
22、behonest.Idontwanna-Oh,thankyou.他说的是他妈妈He,stalkingabouthismother.非常感谢你是的Thankyousomuch.-Yeah.这太不可思议了这是我的汤Thisisunbelievable.Andtheresmysoup!它放在那里都变冷了Itssittingthere,gettingcold.嘿我点了金枪鱼二明治那也没救了Hey!Iorderedatunamelt.Thatsfucked.但最终导致她死亡的是败血症Butitwasthesepsisthatultimatelykilledher.我好饿Iamsofuckinghungr
23、y.我也饿r呃对不起mstarving,too.Uh,sorry.只是有很多事情要处理你知道吗Itsjustalottoprocess,youknow?节哀顺变msosorryforyourloss.你告诉瑞伊阿姨了吗DidyoutellAuntieRae你要来还是要给她一个惊喜thatyourecoming,orareyougonnasurpriseher?哦不不她不擅长惊喜Oh,no,no.Shesnotgoodwithsurprises.你不能对老人做这种事伙计Youcantdothatshittooldpeople,man.我差点就那样害死了一个叔叔Imean,Ialmostkille
24、daunclelikethat.是的-那老混♥蛋♥在浴缸里洗澡Yeah.-Thismotherfuckerwasinthetubtakingafuckingbath.对吗-他说搞什么鬼Right?Heslike,Whatthefuck?,就是这样这混♥蛋♥就这样死了Thatwasit.Motherfuckerdiedlikethis.就像明白我的意思吗JustlikeYouknowwhatImean?是啊你不能给一个老人惊喜Yeah,youcantsurpriseanoldperson.不你不能这公做明白我的意思吗No,youcantdo
25、thatKnowwhatImean?我明白你的意思你干嘛老是问我懂不懂你的意思Iknowwhatyoumean.WhydoyoukeepaskingmeifIknowwhatyoumean?没那么难这不是科学Itwasntthatdifficult.Itsnotscience.你举了一个非常简单的例子Youmadeaverysimplestatement.是啊我明白你的意思Yeah,Iknowwhatyoumean.是的Yeah.-看看这个又是你1.ookatthis.Fuckingyouagain.今天是第三次或第四次了Thirdorfourthtimetoday.呀又是误拨Jeez!Ano
26、therbuttdial.哦伙计对不起Oh,man.msorry.这让我处境艰难Itputsmeinabadspot.让你陷入让我陷入最糟糕的境地PutsyouinaPutsmeintheworstspot.因为我上周给一个人打了电♥话♥BecauseIcalledaguylastweek.是的-我14年没跟他说过话Yeah.Ihadntspokentohim所以我假装in14years,andsoIgottopretend我有意给他打电♥话♥-对thatIwascallinghim.Right.接下来我就和他吃晚饭了Andthenext
27、thingyouknow,you,rehavingdinner.看我我把手♥机♥放在前面的口袋里See,me,Icarrymyphoneinmyfrontpocket.但有时我还是会误拨电♥话♥给别人Butsometimes,Idickdialpeoplebymistake.哦你老二会拨号♥Oh,youmakeadickdial?有一次我误点了一份披萨Onetime,Iorderedapizzabymistake.这个混♥蛋♥出现了我说这他妈的是什么Thismotherfuckershowsup,
28、Isaid,Thefuckisthis?你之前点了一份披萨哇我的老二Youorderedapizzaearlier.Wow,myfuckingdick.有时候我能听到我的老二Andsometimes,Icanhearmydick拨，个号♥码dialingsnumber.明白我的意思吗KnowwhatImean?我就想你♥他♥妈♥的在干什么mlike,Whatthefuckareyoudoing?你知道我在说什么吗Youknowwhatmsaying?我知道你在说什么Idoknowwhatyouresaying.没错伙计-你知道我的意思吗E
29、xactly,man.-DoyouknowwhatImean?明白我的意思吗-你知道我的意思吗KnowwhatImean?-YouknowwhatImean?你明白我的意思吗DoyouknowwhatImean?不不你明白我的意思吗-哦哇她来了No,no.DoyouknowwhatImean?-Oh,wow.Heresheis.他们叫那叫DTMTheycallthatshitDTM.是的过犹不及Yeah.Doingtoomuch.哦你好Ooh!Hi.不忍♥直视不是吗Itshardtowatch,isntit?哦好吧看看谁来了Oh,well,lookwhoshere.公主来了-啊T
30、heprincesshasarrived.Ah!有点迟了不是吗Cuttingitkindofclose,no?哦没有我飞机是不会起飞的Oh,theplanewonttakeoffwithoutme.这是什么-这是我的情绪安抚狗佩丘卡Whatisthis?Thisismyemotionalsupportdog,Pechuca.哇-情绪安抚狗Wow.Emotionalsupportdog?真是瞎搞Whatascam.如果你精神不稳定Theyshouldntevenletyouontheplane他们甚至不应该让你上飞机ifyourethatmentallyunstable.这不是骗局-这只狗超重了
31、Itisnotascam,Thisdogisoverweight.他们会在飞机上多收你200美元的Theyregonnachargeyou200dollarsextraontheflight.狗就像金鱼Dogsarelikegoldfish.是有喂食过量这一说的Youcanoverfeedthismotherfucker.你能不羞辱我的狗胖吗Canyounotfatshamemydog?你侮辱不了狗他们不懂Youcan,tinsultadog.Theydon,tknow.是的她有你需要自我意识Yes,shedoes.-Youneedself-awareness才能明白有人在羞辱你tounder
32、standsomeonesshamingyou.这只狗不会转身来问Thisdogisnotgonnaturnaroundandgo,你♥他♥妈♥的说什么Whatthefuckyousay?看看我的嘿胖子1.ook,watchthis.Hey,fatfuck.你这个肥仔你胖死了Youafatass.Youfuckingfat.你这个矮胖墩Youashort,fatassdog.看看到了吗狗不知道1.ookatthat.See?Thedogdontknow.来吧佩丘卡我不想迟到Comeon,Pechuca.Idontwannabelate.佩丘卡他们在飞机
33、上吃了顿饭And,Pechuca,theygotamealontheflight.不要这样做别再吃别的了Dontdoit.Dontyoueatnothingelse.看到了吗Seethat?我打赌他听到那部分了是的你告诉他了Ibetheheardthatpart.-Yeah,youtoldhim.客房♥服务Housekeeping.哦进来Oh,comein.嘿早上好Hey.Goodmorning.有问题吗Theresaproblem?翻白眼是怎么回事Whatswiththeeyeroll?我一会儿再来Icomeback.你是什么意思等一下Whatdoyoumean?Waitase
34、cond.我不懂我做错什么了吗Idontunderstand.DidIdosomethingwrong?这这是个典型的房♥间This-thisisatypicalroom.到处都是衣服,Theresclothesstrewnabout.是的我看到有内衣和袜子Yes,Iseetheresunderwearandsocks.我一会儿再来-什么我做了什么Icomeback.-What?WhatdidI-这是人们在酒店里都会做的事是啊Thatswhatpeopledowhentheyreinahotel.Yeah.袜子内衣在地板上你不在乎Socks,underwearonthefloor
35、.Youdontcare.你不你不在家Yourenot-yourenothome.我我完全被这整件事弄糊涂了Im-mcompletelybewilderedbythiswholething.我真的不明白我的意思是这是一个典型的房♥间Ireallydontunderstand.Imean,thiswasatypicalroom.顺便说一句我很体贴服务人员Bytheway,mveryconsiderateOfhousekeeping.你应该知道这一点Youshouldknowthis.我保证这房♥间里会有小费给你Iguaranteeyoutherellbeatipfor
36、youinthisroom.保证-我一会儿再来Guaranteed.-1comeback.我觉得我让你失望了Ifeellikesomehowvedisappointedyou.我一会儿再来-我做了什么Icomebacklater.-WhathaveIdone?我只是住在在旅馆里mjuststayinginahotel.这是你第一次打扫房♥间吗Isthisyourfirstroomyouveevercleaned?旅馆就是这么回事Thisiswhatahotelis.哦我的上帝Oh,myGod.我们走吧佩丘卡1.etsgo,Pechuca.我爱你来吧佩丘卡来吧宝贝Iloveyou.
37、Comeon,Pechuca,Comeon,baby.哦我的天啊你们到了啊嘿Oh,mygoodness.Youmadeit.-Ah!Hey!见到你真好It,ssogoodtoseeyou.哦上帝保佑Oh,Lordhavemercy.看看你我给你带了礼物1.ookatyou.-1broughtyouagift.你知道你本人和在镜头前一样可爱Youknow,youareassweetinpersonasyouareoncamera.哦哦你也有一个好吧谢谢你宝贝Oh-Oh,yougotone,too,Okay.Thankyou,baby.你们都进来吧进来吧Comeonin,y,all.Comeoni
38、n.哦拉里我要给你看样东西Oh,Larry,Igottashowyousomething.你能告诉我那边是谁吗Canyoutellmewhothatisrightthere?哦天啊-来吧伙计Oh,boyl-Comeon,man.看看你看那儿-猜猜那是谁1.ookatyou.Lookatthat.-Guesswhothatis.看那个英俊的小伙子1.ookatthathandsomelad.我有4.0的APA泡妞绩点Ihada4,0APA,Ass-Point-Average.,里昂在高中的时候eon.Inhighschool,我是泡妞的毕业生代表Iwasthevaledictorianoftap
39、pingass,你知道吗拉里见到你真是太好了Youknowwhat,Larry?Itissogoodtoseeyou.我从没见过你这样你看起来棒极了Ihaventseenyouinsucha-Youlookfantastic你也是-顺便说一句Sodoyou.bytheway.我不敢相信真的吗IcannotbelieveIdo,really?是的的确如此那我呢Yes,indeed.-Whataboutme?那是什么-我们得动员投票Whatsthat?Wegottogetthevoteout,这是一个非常重要的问题拉里Thisaveryimportantone,Larry.两天后哦是的是的我听说了
40、这件事Andintwodays.Oh,yeah,yeah.Iheardaboutthis.是啊你听说这次选举吗Yeah,youheardaboutthiselection?是的我读到过Yeah,Ireadaboutthat.是啊哦拉里我要你放开胃口尝尝Yeah.Oh,Larry,Iwantyoutohelpyourself我的一些开胃菜听着来吧宝贝tosomeofmyhorsd,oeuvres.Listen,comeon,baby.我们将为您奉上美酒Wegonserveyourwine配午饭来吧现在-哦不客气forlunch!Comeon,now.Oh,yourewelcome.那看起来一点也
41、不好Thatdoesnotlookgoodatall.看起来真的不能吃Itreallylooksinedible.什公你在干嘛What?Whatareyoudoing?你看到了吗Didyousee-你拿了我的眼镜-哦我喜欢Youtookmyglasses.Oh,Iloveit.谢谢谢谢-你做了什么Thankyou,thankyou.Whatdidyoudo?你为什么拿走我的眼镜-她想尝试一种新的风格Whydyoutakemyglasses?-Shewantedtotryanewstyle.我想看看你的眼镜戴在她身上是什么样子Iwantedtoseewhatyourglasseslookedli
42、keonher.你本可以问我的Youknow,youcouldhaveaskedme.你会拒绝的-你是认真的吗Youwouldhavesaidno.Areyouserious?你知道我戴上看得很清楚Youknow,Icanseewellthrough,em.我想我们可能有相同的度数IthinkWemighthavethesameprescription.我能拿回我的眼镜吗CanIhavemyglassesback,please?好吧好吧这里Allright,fine.Here.搞什么鬼-什么怎么了Whatthehell?-What?Whatswrong?怎么了-是的Whatswrong?Yes
43、.不合适了Theydontfit哦我的天啊-你把它们撑大了Oh,mygoodness.-Youstretchedthemout不我没有-你做了什么No,Ididnt.-What,dyoudo?我没对他们做什么一定是Ididntdoanythingto,em.Theymustvebeenlikethat她给我的时候就是那样的-不不是那样的whenshegave,emtome.No!Theywerentlikethat.看看她的头有多大骗人的吧1.ookatthesizeofherhead.Areyoukidding?你不能随便拿一副眼镜试戴Youcantjusttakeapairofglasse
44、sandtrythemon.你的脑袋太大了Youhaveabighead.我敢说大得畸形不我没有大脑袋DareIsay,freakish?-No,Idon,thaveabighead.太过分了它就像一个南瓜灯Itsexcessive.Itslikeajack-o-lantern.你知道吗你像花生先生-样有个花生脑袋Youknowwhat?YougotapeanutheadlikeMr.Peanut.看看这个看看这个我没有1.ookatthis.Lookatthis.-1didnot-我告诉你-看看啊lltellyouwhat.Look!Look!我看到了我看到了一眼镜不愿意留在我脸上Iseei
45、t!Iseeit!Theywontstayonmyface.眼镜不愿意留在我脸上好吧TheywontstayonmyFine!听着我有一副备用眼镜1.isten,Igotasparepairofglasses.我会把它们带给你Iwillbringthemtoyou所以你可以戴上它们我马上回来soyoucanwearthem.llberightback.你怎么了-这些眼镜容易坏Whatiswrongwithyou?Theseglassesarefragile.她有一个他妈的大脑袋她弄坏了我的眼镜Shesgotagiantfuckinghead.Sheruinedmyglasses.有什么大不了的重要的是我在亚特兰大Whatisthebigdeal?ThebigdealisminAtlanta.我没有备用的Idonthaveasparepair.我今晚有个派对Igotthepartyto
