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1、打开你们的袋子会找到一些东西Ifyoulookinsideyourbags,youwillfindafewthings.一束手工编织的花笔.Abouquetofhand-crochetedflowerpens.喔Ohl一幅你们的马赛克肖像Amosaicportraitofeachofyou用你们各自最喜欢的低糖汽水瓶子碎片做成madefromthecrushedbottlesofyourfavoritedietsoda,还有一篇解释你们为什么这么棒的5000字个性化随笔andapersonalized5,000-wordessayofwhyyouareallsoawesome.闺蜜节是什么Wh
2、atsGalentine1SDay?哦只不过是每年最棒的一天0h,itsonlythebestdayoftheyear.每年2月13日我的女性朋友们和我EveryFebruary13th,myladyfriendsandI把老公和男友留在家leaveourhusbandsandourboyfriendsathome然后来一场早餐风格的聚会andwejustcomeandkickitbreakfaststyle.女士们庆祝女士们1.adiescelebratingladies.就像是莉莉丝音乐节It,slikeLilithFair减去焦虑加上玉米饼minustheangst.Plusfritta
3、tas.为了结束我们的闺蜜节早餐SotoconcludeourGalentine1SDaybreakfast,现在来讲述最棒的故事吧itistimeforthegreateststoryevertold.什么故事What,sthestory?是最浪漫的故事It,sthemostromanticstoryever.它让恋恋笔记本看起来像电锯惊魂5ItmakesTheNotebooklooklikeSawV.开始吧妈开始Go,Mom,go.那是1968年我18岁Itwas1968.1was18和家人去百慕大度假andourfamilywentonavacationtoBermuda.第一天我去海里
4、游泳Andonthefirstday,Iwentforaswimintheocean.被一股强大的海浪卷住了AndIgotcaughtinaverystrongcurrent.你已经听过这个故事了吧Youveheardthisstorybefore,right?是但为了剧情效果Yes,butthedrama.接着我感觉到的ThenextthingIfelt是一双非常强有力的双臂weretwoverypowerfularms把我拖回安全地带whiskingmetosafety.他俯视着我说了一句Andhelookeddownatmeandhesaid,你没事吧Areyouokay?我抬头看着他说
5、道“现在没事了”AndIlookedupathimandIsaid,Iamnow.所以他们偷偷山来见面在沙滩上漫步Sotheysneakouttomeeteachotherandwalkonthebeach.两周后他求了婚然后搬去了伊利诺伊Andtwoweekslater,heaskedhertomarryhimandmovetoIllinois.但她父母觉得她太小了所以她拒绝了Butherparentsthoughtshewastooyoung,soshesaidno.然后他们失去了联♥系♥几年后她认识了我爸Andthentheylosttouch,andafew
6、yearslatershemetmydad.我得去上救生员课程了Igottatakeoneofthoselifeguardcourses.他们可是福利满满呢Thoseguysgetalltheaction.说的对吧Justin-我们得找到这个人AmIright,Justin?-Wegottafindthisguy.Frank吗他可能已经结婚了或者去世了Frank?Hesprobablymarriedordead.有什么区别呢说的对吧JustinWhat,sthedifference?AmIrighJustin?至少试着让我找找他Well,atleastletmetryandfindhim.想象
7、一下如果让他们重逢那个故事肯定更精彩Imaginehowmuchbetterthatstorywouldbeifweactuallyreunitedthem.我觉得Justin是对的你该让他做IthinkJustin,sright.Youshouldlethimdothis.好的去吧但如果你找到他而他很奇怪Okay.Doit.Butifyoufindhimandhe,sweird,比如是个搞腹语的或者搞木偶的likeaventriloquistorapuppeteer,或者任何假装玩具是人的oranyonewhopretendstoysarepeople,那么任务中止thenabortthem
8、ission.当然-当然Absolutely.-Absolutely.公园与游憩公园与游憩公园与游憩第2季第16集第2季第16集你你是最好的女朋友You,yourethebestgirlfriendever.嗷Aw!情人节快乐HappyValentinesDay.我知道最后总有途径Iknew,eventually,somehow,跟你谈恋爱会有回报beinginarelationshipwithyouwouldtotallypayoff.我给他买♥♥了点真正的毛巾Iboughthimsomeactualtowels.他一直用的是浴袍Hewasusingabathro
9、be.我也给他买♥♥了些其他人类会用的东西比如洗发水AndIboughthimsomeotherthingsthathumansusuallyuse,likeshampoo.士兵们集♥合♥好消息Troops,gatheraround.Greatnews.老年人中心情人节舞会明日举♥行♥5点到9点TheSeniorCenterValentinesDanceistomorrow,from5:00to9:00.说的是上午还是下午Arewetalkinga.m.orp.m.?这些人也太老了我说的对吧JUStinThos
10、epeopleareold.AmIright,Justin?哦JUStin不在这啊Oh!Justinsnothere.这不只是个工作同志们Itisntjustajob,gang,我们能从这些老年人身上学到很多weregonnalearnalotfromtheseseniors.有些已经结婚超过半个世纪了Someofthemhavebeenmarriedforhalfacentury.无意冒犯在座的各位爱情都不太行Andnooffense,buteverybodyhereisterribleatlove.离婚约会同性恋离婚两次你俩还不确定Divorced,datingagayguy,divorc
11、edtwice,jurysstilloutonyoutwo.还有Jerry谁知道呢AndJerry,whoknows.我幸福的婚姻已经持续28年了vebeenhappilymarriedfor28years.你见过我的老婆Gayle很多次吧Youvemetmywife,Gayle,manytimes.无所谓了Whatever.最后Ann和Mark是我们的特别志愿者Finally,AnnandMarkareourspecialvolunteers,他们会随叫随到andtheywillbeavailablewheneverneeded.我没志愿啊Ididntvolunteer.啊太迟了你被征召了Y
12、eah,toobad.Yougotdrafted.别问你的老人们能为你做什么Asknotwhatyouroldpeoplecoulddoforyou,问问你能为你的老人们做什么askwhatyoucoulddoforyouroldpeople.终结者吧Terminator.啥不是是肯尼迪What?NoJFK.这次会议已经终结了Thismeetinghasbeenterminated.这才是终结者ThatistheTerminator.棒Nice.我要去哪来着WhereamIgoing?哦你好啊Well,hellothere.哦嘿我收到你消息了Well,hey.Igotyourmessage.你
13、想谈谈吗Youwantedtotalk?是的Yes,Ido.哦Oh.请坐Haveaseat.嗯-来点香槟Mmm.-Somechampagne?呃不谢了Uh,no,thanks.来嘛这可是黑桃A香槟啊Jay-Z都喝这个的Comeon.ThisisArmanddeBrignac.Jay-Zdrinksthis.是哦但Jay-Z一个小时后不用去做外科手术Yeah,well,Jay-Zdoesnthavetoperformsurgeryinanhour.你不知道Jay-Z的日程啊他可是文艺复兴人啊YoudontknowJay-Z,sschedule.He,sarenaissanceman.好吧行这是给
14、你的Okay,fine.Well,thisisforyou.哦Oh!马上就是情人节了Well,itsalmostValentinesDay,我觉得今天很适合告诉你soIthoughtitwouldbeagooddaytotellyouthat.好的我要打住你了Okay.Letmejuststopyourightthere.你看Tommy1.ook,Tommy,我想让你知道我感激你为我做的一切Ijustwantyoutoknowmsogratefulforeverythingyoudidforme,但我只把我们当做朋友butIonlyseeusasfriends.现在而已想象我们的友谊加上做那个
15、会好多少Fornow.Butthinkabouthowmuchbetterourfriendshipwouldbeifweaddeddoingit.认真讲我知道我们的婚姻是假的Seriously,Iknowourmarriagewasfake,但我们之间是有什么的buttheressomethingbetweenus.我觉得我们应该试一试来真的AndIthinkweshouldgiveitashot,forreal.我对你就是没有那种想法Ijustdontfeelthatwayaboutyou.不好意思msorry.Ivegotyouundermyskin* 每一次*EachtimeIdo*
16、只要我一想到你一切都回到原点*JustthethoughtofyoumakesmestopbeforeIbegin* 我对你*vegotyou* 爱人心田*Undermyskin所以这就是那首了我猜So,theresthatone,Iguess.好的听起来你们已经为明天的舞会准备好了Allright.Youguyssoundreadyforthedancetomorrow.我也不知道这些老掉牙的歌♥LeslieIdontknowabouttheseoldfogysongs,Leslie.为什么不能唱我们的原创呢Whycantwejustdoouroriginals?我刚写了首新歌
17、♥好嘛Ijustwroteanewsong,okay?一言蔽之它叫性♥爱♥头发Bottomline,itscalledSexHair.它讲的是你可以看出来一个人刚做过爱Itsabouthowyoucantellwhensomeonesjusthadsex因为他们头发后面会变得乱糟糟的非常棒causeofhowtheirhairgetsmattedupintheback.It,sawesome.这么想吧这些歌♥跟你平时唱的歌♥都是一样的Thinkofitthisway.Thesesongsareexactlyliketheso
18、ngsyouusuallyplay,只不过它们不是流行摇滚exceptinsteadofmodernrock,而有着40年代的爵士风格theyreoldjazzystandardsfromthe40s.好的是你说得对Okay,yeah.Yougotapoint.是你们会很棒的Yeah.Youregonnadogreat.好的同志们Allright,guys.Andy我在这呆半个小时了Andy,vebeenhereforhalfanhour.能给我把鞋擦了吗CanIgetmyshoesshined?Kyle你再说一次我就要发火了Kyle,mgonnalosemyshitonyouifyouask
19、meonemoretime.找到他了Foundhim.FrankBeckerson63岁FrankBeckerson,63.住在一个叫Bridgeport的小镇伊利诺伊州1.ivesinalittletowncalledBridgeport,Illinois.离婚无孩20岁的时候是救生员Divorced,nokids,workedasalifeguardwhenhewas20.Ron我需要请半天假执行爱之秘密任务Ron,Ineedahalfadayoffforasecretmissionoflove.你要我允许你午间来一发吗Youreaskingmypermissiontotakeanoone
20、r?当然这个我也不知道可能Sure.Well,Idon,tknow.Maybe.Justin和我要踏上一段浪漫启发的旅行JustinandIneedtogoonaromantically-inspiredroadtrip.所以就是午间来一发咯Soitisanooner?呃我们准备中午左右出发所以我不太确定Well,wereplanningtoleavearoundnoon,somnotquitesure.那.-不Leslie那不是午间来一发Thats.-No,Leslie,thatisnotanooner.我找到了Leslie母亲的旧情人ItrackeddownthisoldflameofLe
21、slie,smom.我们要去接他我们准备在情人节让他们旧情复燃Weregonnagopickhimup.WeregonnareunitethemonValentinesDay.这是个很好的故事吧Isthatagreatstoryorwhat?是确实是好故事Yeah,greatstoryindeed.享受你的半天休假Enjoyyourhalfdayoff.谢谢Thankyou.明天中午左右来接你Pickyouuptomorrowaroundnoon.然后午后来一发真是个可爱的词Forournooner.Whichisacuteword.待会儿向她解释吧Explainittoherlater.解释
22、啥Explainwhat?情人节快乐HappyValentinesDay.首先纸袋里的一只熊和一个心形气球FirstOffabearinapaperbagandaheart-shapedballoon.我喜欢袋子里的熊Ilovebearsinbags.那你也会喜欢这个的Well,youwilllikethis,then.因为这是一只大泰迪熊抱着一颗红心Becausethisisagiantteddybearholdingaredheart.喔-节日气氛啊这是什么呢哦我不知道Aw!-Festive.Whatsthis?Oh,Idontknow.这是一盒心形的巧克力It,saheart-shape
23、dboxofchocolates.那是一打玫瑰摆成心形Thatsadozenredrosesinaheart-shapedarrangement看到了吗香水女士用看到了哦哦Seethat?Perfume.Forthelady.-Yeah.Ooh!Ooh!”渴望DenniSFeinstein出品”Yearning,byDennisFeinstein.1嗯哦Dennis不算了DennisMmm.Ooh!Dennis.No,no,Dennis.最后是海洋之心Finally,TheHeartoftheOcean.太华丽了Gorgeous.我从没有给一个女孩子士气情人节礼物的机会Ineverhadach
24、ancetogetagirlaclichedValentinesDaygiftbefore.所以我全部都来了一遍SoIgotyouallofthem.谢谢这可真好Thankyou.Thatwasverysweet.你觉得他们会结婚吗Doyouthinktheyllgetmarried?哦天啊如果他们真结婚了呢Oh,myGod,whatiftheygetmarried?那会是件好事啊Thatwouldbeamazing.那我要叫他爸”了吗WouldIcallhimDadthen?嗯嗯-不那就太过了可能我会叫“老爷子”Hmm.Hmm.-No,thatdbetoomuch.Maybellcallhi
25、m,Pappy.“爹”“爹地,爹爹”Pop?Poppy?Paw-Paw?看看我啊真的想得太远了1.ookatme.mgettingaheadofmyself.嘿你也不知道呢Hey.Youneverknow.我要叫他“把巴”mgonnacallhimPoo-Paw.能有多少机会重聚情人呢Howoftendoyougettoreunitesoulmates?如果我告诉你能复合罗密欧与朱丽叶呢WhatifItoldyouthatyoucouldreuniteRomeoandJuliet?或者BradPitt和JenniferAnistonOrBradPittandJenniferAniston?哦J
26、en我真心希望你能幸福Oh,Jen.Ireallywantyoutobehappy.离JohnMayer远点StayawayfromJohnMayer.不敢相信我会见到FrankBeckersonIcannotbelievemgonnameetFrankBeckerson.我感觉已经认识他一辈夕了Ifeellikeveknownhimmywholelife.FrankFrank?天啊MarleneMyGod.Marlene.哦不把巴把巴不我不是MarleneOh,no.Poo-Paw.Poo-Paw,no.mnotMarlene.哦真对不起我该戴眼镜的进来吧Oh!Sosorry.Ishould
27、reallywearmyglasses.Comeonin.Frank我很好奇Frank,Iwaswondering.我妈说你想当个律师Mymomalwayssaidthatyouwantedtobealawyer.最后当成了吗Didthatworkout?不从来没有No.Neverdid.不过我曾给自己辩护过一次ThoughIdidonceactasmyownlawyer.哦我找到Marlene和我的一些旧照片了看Oh!IfoundsomeoldpicturesOfMarleneandme.Look.看看她当时多年轻啊1.ookhowyoungsheis.这些也太棒了Theseareamazi
28、ng.或许不该给你们看这张Probablyshouldntshowyouthisone.不谢谢了No,thankyou.你妈性格真是火爆聪明幽默钉子一样尖锐Yourmomwassuchafirecracker.Smart,funny,sharpasatack.挺拔的胸部Suchfirmbreasts.哦这么说不合适Oh,thatwasinappropriate.哇我真的是突然间对再见她太紧张rWow.Iamjust,allofasudden,sonervoustoseeheragain.我去很快地吐一下然后我们就出发mgonnathrowuprealquickandthenwecanleave
29、.嗨-嗨Hi.-Hi.今晚”凸起“情人节狂欢ValentinesbashatTheBulgetonight.我们能给你搞条饮酒手链Wecangetyouadrinkbracelet.我不能去我得去老年人中心情人节舞那玩艺儿Icant.vegottaworkattheSeniorCenterValentinesDayDancething.听起来太棒了我们能来吗Thatsoundsamazing.Canwecome?我想可以吧我不知道你们为啥要来Iguess.Idontknowwhyyouwouldwantto.因为老人很好笑啊Becauseoldpeoplearefunny.1985-1992年
30、播出的电视剧讲的是一群老太太的故事是啊会像黄金女郎一样Yeah,itllbelikeTheGoldenGirls.我得去准备了Ihavetogogetready.所以Frank过去40年你在干什么呢So,Frank,wherehaveyoubeenforthepast40years?加勒比海小岛哦你知道的四海为家你知道格林纳达岛住过一段Oh!Youknow,hereandthere.Youknow?Grenada,forawhile.然后是巴拿马群岛然后是阿富汗ThenPanama,thenAfghanistan.所以你在军队呆过-没Soyouwereinthemilitary?-Nope.你
31、知道我一直在想如果你妈妈和我结婚我的生活会变成什么样Youknow,Ialwayswonderhowdifferentmylifewouldvebeenifyourmotherhadmarriedme.应该会更好的我只能这么说Itwouldvebeenbetter.lltellyouthatmuch.FrankFrank你还好吗Frank?Frank,areyouokay?我没事我很好mfine.mgood.我只是要见她太紧张rIamjustsonervoustoseeher.没有需要紧张的Thereisnothingtobenervousabout.你有袋子之类的东西吗-有什么Haveyou
32、gotabagorsomething?-Awhat?你有袋子吗我有挎包Doyouhaveabag?-1haveapurse.那把挎包给他Well,givehimthepursethen.好啦Allright(Letscallthewholethingoff)你喜欢土豆我喜欢马铃薯YoulikepotatoandIlikepotahto你喜欢番茄我喜欢西红柿YouliketomatoandIliketomahto土豆马铃薯番茄西红柿Potato,potahtoTomato,tomahto咱们还是别吵了1.etscallthewholethingoff.呃Uh.我觉得这也太烂了是吧Imean,th
33、atsucked,didn,tit?著名爵士歌♥手如果你学着像LouisArmstrong那么唱呢MaybeifyousangitlikeLouisArmstrong.可能吧是的Maybe,yeah.我是说虽然是这样但问题是Imean,heresthething,though.那是谁Whoisthat?我的问题是我不知道如何分辨我们唱得好不好MyproblemisIdontknowhowtotellifweredoinggood.因为如果你是在摇滚演出Becausewhenyouplayarockshow,能轻易知道你唱得很好it,sreallyeasytoknowifyoure
34、doinggreat因为你在台上的时候妹子们会对你露胸becausechickswillflashtheirboobsatyouwhenyoureuponstage.然后你就知道“喔那肯定听起来挺不错”Andyourelike,Oh!Thatmustvesoundedprettygood.如果这里发生这种事我眼珠子会掉出脑袋我会挂掉Ifthathappenshere,myeyeswillfalloutofmyheadandlldie.FrankFrank你还好吗Frank?Frank,areyouokay?可能我们要.是啊FrankMaybeweshould.-Yeah.Frank.Frank
35、-Frank-FrankFrank.-Frank.-Frank.*但我除了你谁也看不见*ButIcantseeanybodybutyou*翻来覆去*Flipflop.听起来很疯但我有这种奇怪的怀疑Youknow,Imightbecrazy,butIhavethisweirdsuspicion我们进展应该很顺利thatthingsaregoingwellwithus.你知道我也有相同的怀疑Youknow,Ihavethatsamesuspicion.但我从没有过这种事情Buthavingneverbeeninsomethinglikethisbefore,我觉得我必须问我做得怎么样Ifeelth
36、eneedtoask,howamIdoing?别闹Comeon.不我是认真的No,msortofserious.好的没事算了Allright,fine,forgetit.我只是说你知道在我来看理论上mjustsaying,youknow,itseemstome,onpaper,我们现在的状况挺好的thatthisthingwehaveisprettygreat.是的呆子Yes,nerd.理论上我们现在的状况挺棒Onpaper,thisthingwehaveisprettygreat.Mark是个很好的男朋友Markisagreatboyfriend.我没有任何能抱怨的地方一切都很好Ihaven
37、ocomplaintsatall.Everythingisgood.我不知道我感觉不太对1dontknow.Idontfeelrightaboutthis.你在开玩笑吧这多有意思啊Areyoukiddingme?Thisissomuchfun.你看我们今天来了趟公路旅行1.ook,wetookaroadtriptoday.我们在高速公路上追逐你妈多年失散的爱人Wechasedyourmomslonglostlovedownafreeway.他是个疯子JustinHe,saloon,Justin.所以他抓狂了一点点Sohefreakedoutalittlebit.他紧张了换做你也会是Hegotn
38、ervous.Imean,youwould,too.他被我们拉回车里的时候就好了Hewasfinebythetimewegothimbackinsidethecar.是对他哭睡着了Yeah,well,hecriedhimselftosleep.我是说我也不知道你为什么要逼他Imean,Idontknowwhyyou,repushing.为什么你想让他和我妈相处啊Whydoyouwanthimtospendtimewithmymom?这对她又有什么帮助呢Howwouldthathelpher?我不喜欢这样我不觉得这能行我要取消行动了Idontlikethis.Idon,tthinkthisisg
39、onnawork.mcallingthisoff.来嘛不不不你看我们已经来了就看看会发生什么吧Comeon.No,no,no.Look,we,rehere.Let,sjustseewhathappens.会发生的是我开车送他回家Whathappensis,Idrivehimhome.现在你需要深呼吸Now,look.Youneedtobreathe.我在呼吸好吧mbreathing.Okay?妈Mom.哦Oh!你在这啊Thereyouare.所以惊喜是什么呢So,whatsthebigsurprise?你准备把我送进养老院了吗Yougonnatrytocheckmeintoanoldfolks
40、home?说来话长It,salongstory.我们喝杯咖啡把这些话说完Onethatwedlovetotellyouoveracupofcoffee,现在先远离这里吧somewherefarfromthisplace.FrankFrank.你好MarleneHello,Marlene.天哪不敢相信真的是你Mygosh.Icantbelieveitsreallyyou.想叙叙旧吗Wannacatchup?当然Sure.哦伙计Oh,boy.哦伙计Oh,boy.你觉得我们该待命Doyouthinkweshouldstandby.她没事让这一切顺其自然吧Shesfine.Letsjustletthi
41、sunfold.过来吧孩子我来跟你讲讲内战的故事Comehere,sonny.LetmetellyouabouttheCivilWar.爷爷离我远点你散发着死人的味道Grandpa,leavemealone.Yousmelllikedeath.我去搞点鸡尾酒mgonnagetsomepunch.打扰了你们也真可爱真好Excuseme.Youguysarereallyadorable.Itsreallynice.所以LeSIie就说就这样我带他回家”SoLeslieslike,Thatsit,Imtakinghimhome.所以我们转头看他根本都不在车里了So,welookover,andhes
42、noteveninthecaranymore.你骗人吧-不太夸张rYourekidding.-No.Itsinsane.1.eslie对这些事是怎么想的WhatdoesLesliethinkaboutallthis?哦天哪Leslie我甚至不知道Oh,God,Leslie.Idon,tevenknow.我觉得我在一片混乱中把她丢了IthinkIjustlosttrackofherinallthechaos.总之现在他和MarleneAnyways,nowheandMarlene不知道在哪做些天知道的事情areoffsomewhere,doingGodknowswhat.我不想Idontwann
43、a.你为了赡养费起诉我吗Youresuingmeforalimony?是的Yes.我们结婚时习惯了一定的生活模式Whenweweremarried,Igotaccustomedtoacertainlifestyle.我有权获得维持这种生活模式的费用Andmentitledtomoneytomaintainthatlifestyle.你疯了Thisisinsane.是的我是疯了但我只有这样了Yeah,itsinsane,butitsallIgot.你可以免除这一切只要给我一个机会Andyoucanmakeitallgoawayifyoujustgavemeachance.什么-三次约会What?
44、-Threedates.一次约会Onedate.咖啡Coffee?所以你的计划是告我Soyourplanwastosueme,然后用这绑♥架♥我来爰上你andthentousethattoblackmailmeintofallinginlovewithyou.是啊Yeah.嘿你们听起来不错Hey.Youguyssoundgood.你真这么觉得啊根本看不出来Youreallythinkso?Itsimpossibletotell.外面就像是寂静之地ItslikeBizarroLandoutthere.我们唱完歌♥之后都是死寂Assoonaswefinis
45、hasong,it,sdeadsilence.你希望是什么呢Well,whatdoyouexpect,youknow.他们看起来都有一万岁了Theyrelikeamillionyearsold.我很高兴你喜欢Well,mgladyoulikeit.你一直都是乐队的坚定支持者Youwerealwaysabigsupporteroftheband.嘿休息结束了Hey.Breaksover.1.udgate鞭子抽起来了啊1.udgate,crackingthewhip.是啊这些老家伙付钱买♥♥了点娱乐Yeah,well,theseoldbagspaidforsomeentertainment.所以上去吧-不你是对的
