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1、好了这是你的演讲稿Okay,heresthetextforyourspeech.我加了几个段子在结尾嘲笑了下EagletonIaddedafewmorejokes,slammingEagletonattheend.嗯那是你对我说过最性感的事情了Mmm.That,sthesexiestthingyouveeversaidtome.我太高兴你和我一队了msogladyoureonmyteam.你确定要在这场新闻发布会上攻击他们吗Areyousureyouwannaattackematthispressconference?这只是场有个友好赌注的高中篮球赛啊lt,safriendlywagerona
2、highschoolbasketballgame.我正在输掉罢免选举啊Benmlosingtherecallelection,Ben.嘲笑Eagleton是最简单的得分方式了SlammingEagletonistheeasiestwaytoscoresomepoints.你看我为此自豪吗1.ook.AmIproudofit?是因为Eagleton很烂Yes.BecauseEagletonsucks.但这一招上档次吗Butisittheclassiestmove?是因为Eagleton很烂Yes,becauseEagletonsucks.我会再做一次吗是的因为Eagleton很烂WouldIdo
3、itagain?Yes,becauseEagletonsucks.今年轮到我们主持Pawnee-Eagleton篮球赛Thisyear,wegettohostthePawnee-Eagletontip-offclassic.那位糟糕的人类是IngriddeForestThatawfulhumanbeingisIngriddeForest.她是Eagleton的市议员ShesacitycouncilorfromEagleton.她觉得自己好棒啊因为她赢得了印第安纳小姐选美比赛ShethinksshessogreatbecauseshewontheMissIndianaBeautyPageant.
4、就在去年她还任职的时候1.astyear.Whileshewasinoffice.而且有孕在身Andpregnant.如往常一样我们想跟Eagleton打个友好的赌Asalways,wewouldliketomakeafriendlywagerwithEagleton.如果你们今年打败我们Ifyoubeatusthisyear,我们会给你一篮子苹果来自我们的Pawnee果园WewillgiveyouabasketofapplesfromourPawneeorchard.恶心杀虫剂呸Ew,pesticide.Yuck.哦不这些是没有杀虫剂的Oh,no,thesearepesticide-free
5、.我早上早饭吃了一个我在里面发现r条虫子Iateoneoftheseforbreakfastthismorning,andIfoundaworminit.所以我赌有人现在感觉挺蠢的吧So,Ibetsomebodyfeelsprettystupidrightnow.嗯Leslie我觉得我们想法类似Well,Leslie,Ithinkwehadsimilarideas.如果你们赢了Eagleton会给你们这篮橘子Ifyouwin,Eagletonwillgiveyouthisbasketoforanges.”苹果和橘子”当然不同类的东西比起来挺傻的但管他呢Ofcourse,itssillytoco
6、mpareapplesandoranges,butwhattheheck.它们是用施华洛世奇水晶做成的价值七十万美金ThesearemadeofSwarovskicrystal,andtheyreworth$700,000.1.eSlie你在罢免选举的最新民调中降低了15个百分点1.eslie,youredown15pointsinthelatestpollfortherecallelection.你要怎么做来弥补欠缺呢Whatcanyoudotomakeupthedeficit?我来跟你说如果我是Eagleton人会怎么做吧lltellyouwhatddoifIwasanEagletonia
7、n.我会来片镇静剂然后找我管家来帮我dpopaXanaxandaskmybutlertohelpmeout.我的意思是我不是在说Eagleton人不食人间烟火Imean,mnotsayingthatEagletoniansareoutoftouch.但是如果你跟他们说该换机油了他们会问Butwhenyoutellemitstimetochangetheiroil,theyask,初榨橄榄油还是白松露啊“Extravirginorwhitetruffle?谢伙计们我们比赛见Thanks,guys.Illseeyaatthegame.当然除非你是个Eagleton人Unless,ofcourse,
8、youreanEagletonian,那时你会在你的鱼子酱店里忙着擦亮你的单片眼镜呢andthenyoullbetoobusypolishingyourmonocleatthecaviarstore.Knope走人Knopeout.公园与游憩公园与游憩第6季第3集第6季第3集谁或者什么是PennySaver啊WhoorwhatisPennySaver?是种有一堆优♥惠♥券的免费传♥单♥Itsafreecircularwithabunchofcouponsinit.这是给RonSwanson的但是送到了Diane的地址Thiswassent
9、toRonSwansonatDianesaddress,我才刚在那住了不到一个月wherevelivedforlessthanamonth.这是怎么可能的Howisthatpossible?这是极度的隐私侵犯Thisisanextremeinvasionofprivacy.隐私权对我非常的重要Therighttoprivacyisveryimportanttome.我的家庭几代人用的都是同一个邮箱MyfamilyhashadasingleP.O.boxforseveralgenerations.我们只订阅过两种杂♥志♥读者文摘和乌木Weonlyeversubscri
10、betotwomagazines,ReadersDigestandEbony.黑人杂♥志♥乌木是因为办事员错误Ebonywasduetoaclericalerror,但最后那一年的阅读体验挺有趣的butitendedupbeinganinterestingyearofreading.我不知道这是怎么送给我的但不能再发生了Idontknowhowthiswasdeliveredtome,butitcannothappenagain.我要怎么停止HowcanIstopit?嗯Donna很擅长这种事情Mm.Donnaisgreatwiththissortofthing.她
11、把我从Williams-Sonoma家居的邮寄名单上去掉了但我又重新登记了ShegotmeofftheWilliams-Sonomamailinglist,butthenIjustsignedbackupagain.爰上了他们的烤箱手套Hookedontheirovenmitts.我被那些手套套牢了Ineedmymittsonthosemitts.Donna回来时第一时间通知我1.etmeknowthesecondDonnareturns.根据她的TWitter流五分钟前她去买♥♥咖啡了AccordingtoherTwitterfeed,shegotcoffeefi
12、veminutesago.等等现在她在直播走回来的过程Wait,nowshesUstreamingherwalkback.她应该快到了三二一Sheshouldbehereinthree,two,one.嘿嘿Hey,hey.#咖啡冒险#炸掉了我的时间线Hashtagquestforcoffee,blowinupmytimeline.你收到了相关的Snapchat吗Yougetmysnapchataboutit?没啊-啥No.-What?在这呢Thereitis.嘿你想见我吗-是的Hey,youwantedtoseeme?-1did.快点思考-哦天啊Thinkfast.-Oh,myGod.嘿按键博
13、士-Hey,Dr.Buttons-我是说我的老计算器它没有名字Imean,myoldcalculator.Itdoesnthaveaname.你为啥朝我扔这个啊Whydidyouthrowthisatme?我刚刚挂掉和我们以前在Indianapolis老板的电♥话♥IjustgotoffthephonewithouroldbossfromIndianapolis,显然在Eagleton可能有某种预算问题andapparentlytheremaybesomesortofabudgetprobleminEagleton.他问我们愿不愿意过去看看Heaskedifmayb
14、eyouandIwouldnthavealook.你来吗Youin?电影虎豹小霸王ButchCassidyandtheSundanceKid“数报小霸王”重新聚首ButchCount-sidyandtheSum-danceKid,togetheragain.嗯-审计兄弟Hmm.-Auditingbros!耶还有审计姐妹儿我们来吧Yeah,andauditingsistah.Letsdothis.哦你也来啊Oh,yourecoming?如果Eagleton有问题的话那我想到场啊Ifthere1SaproblemwithEagleton,Iwannabethere.简直就是梦想成真Thatslik
15、eadreamcometrue.此外我有个新的本子正在写Besides,Ihaveanewroutinemworkingon.有点像是JeffFoxworthy那种但是是关于Eagleton的KindoflikeaJeffFoxworthy-typething,butaboutEagleton.俄♥国♥珠宝工匠法贝热的珠宝作品如果你是用法贝热彩蛋做煎蛋的话IfyoumakeyouromeletoutofFabergeeggs,你就有可能.-是个Eagleton人youjustmight.-BeanEagletonian.好耶公路旅行Yippee!Roadtrip!谁
16、去Bloomington很激动啊Who,sexcitedtogotoBloomington?你就坐那里啊Isthatwhereyouregonnasit?是我开车啊我还能坐哪儿mdriving.WhereelsewouldIsit?后备箱Trunk.我帮April进一所Bloomington的兽医学校IhelpedAprilgetintovetschoolinBloomington今天迎新所以我们要来点公路旅行andtoday,sherorientation,soweretakingalittleroadtrip.我在那边的时候我还得买♥♥条有机宝宝毯Whilemt
17、here,malsogonnapickupanorganicbabyblanket.我本想在Pawnee买♥♥的但有趣的事实-IwouldgetoneinPawnee,butfunfact-我们唯一一家宝宝商店的旁边是化学炼油厂ouronlybabystoreisattachedtoachemicalrefinery.我为我们做了一张特别的公路旅行混音CDImadeaspecialroadtripmixCDforus.我希望你喜欢ToriAmos-哦酷哦IhopeyoulikeToriAmos.-Oh,cool.在这种环境中见到你真的很开心IngridItreall
18、yisapleasuretoseeyouinthiscontext,Ingrid.来茄子Saycheese.该死你真好看Damnit.Youlookbeautiful.你们能跟我们一点点Canyougiveusalittlemoreinformation关于你们今年赤字的信息吗surroundingthedeficitsthatyourerunningthisyear?哦天哪Ooh,gosh.我们真的不喜欢讨论钱的问题Wedontreallyliketotalkaboutmoney.我们觉得有点点粗鲁Wefindalittlegauche.这可是预算会议啊Thisisabudgetmeetin
19、g.嗯我们大部分的文件都在这些盒子里Well,mostofourfilesareintheseboxes如果你们真的想看看我们花了多少ifyoureallywannatakealookathowmuchthatwevespent.要不我们努力开始看看我们面对的是什么Whydontwejustdiginandseewhatwereupagainst?好的而且谢谢Yes.Andthankyou.我们真心感谢你们的帮助Wereallyappreciateyourhelp.你是在给我小费吗Areyoutippingme?那是100.Isthat100.欧元吗Euros?人们应当有不被&hearts汗&
20、hearts;涉的权利Peopleoughttohavetherighttobeleftalone.我想完全寓开网络Iwannagetcompletelyoffthegrid.真是疯话啊Thatscrazytalk.我为网而活Iliveforthegrid.我40%的炮♥友♥是在上面认识的ItswhereImeet40%ofmyjump-offs.而且你要不上网的话要在哪发Andifyou,reoffthegrid,howareyougonnapostphotos餐馆里超尾♥食物或者出来耍的酷地方呢ofthedopefoodatrestaurantsy
21、oureatandallthecoolplacesyourestuntinin?食物是用来吃的地方是用来存在的Foodisforeating.Placesareforbeing.讨论结束Endofdiscussion.别离网啊ROn网是最棒的了Dontleavethegrid,Ron.Thegridisthebest.如果有啥你应该上更多的网Ifanything,youneedtogetmoreonthegrid.网网网网网网网-Grid,grid,grid,grid,grid,grid,grid-如果你们帮我退网我让你俩都早回家Ifyouhelpmegetoffthegrid,Iwillle
22、tbothofyougohomeearly.退网退网退网退网Nogrid,nogrid,nogrid,nogrid.Bloomington兽医学校好了你迎新会的东西都准备好了吗Allright,soyouhaveeverythingyouneedfororientation?好了啊一个空雪碧瓶兜里一个老人的指甲Yeah,anemptySpritecan,anoldmansfingernailinmypocket,还有一张PatrickEwing在过山车上的照片andapictureofPatrickEwingonarollercoaster.我准备好了-很好mallset.-Great嗨我这位
23、朋友下个月要登记进兽医学校了Hi.Myfriendhereisenrollinginthevetschoolnextmonth,而她想有人带她转转andshewouldliketobeshownaround.完全没问题很高兴我是LauraTotally,happyto.mLaura.我是AprilLudgateKevorkianmAprilLudgateKevorkian.所以你跟LaUra去SoyougowithLaura,她看起来真是个好人不需要受到折磨whoseemsreallyniceanddoesnotdeservetobetortured.而我在宝宝商店那边结束之后再来见你AndI
24、willcomemeetupwithyouafterIfinishatthebabystore.确定想把我留在这跟她一起吗Sureyouwannaleavemeherewithher?我要是谋杀犯怎么办-哦挺好笑的Whatifmamurderer?-Oh,that,sfunny.这比我想象中的还要糟糕ThisisworsethanIcouldveimagined.他们的资产负债率也太荒谬了Theirdebt-to-equityratioisridonkulous.真是个好笑的词Whatahilariousword.让我想起了荒山里的一座庙Itremindsmeofaridiculousdonk
25、ey.他是最棒的这对他们意味着什么Hesthebest.-Whatdoesthismeanforthem?他们几年前就陷入财政危机了和Pawnee一样Theywereinfinancialtroubleafewyearsago,likePawneewas,但他们的政♥府♥还在一直借钱buttheirgovernmentjustkeptborrowingmoney.Eagleton已经在一场史诗般的财政灾难边缘Eagletonisonthebrinkofanepicfinancialdisaster.啊Ahh.现在那才是你对我说过最性感的话Nowthatisthese
26、xiestthingyouveeversaidtome.真的吗那个Really,that?这下罢免选举要白送给我了Thisisgonnahandmetherecallelection.我把Pawnee从破产中拯救出来了IsavedPawneefrombankruptcy.现在轮到我来提醒人们那个事实NowIgettoremindpeopleofthatfact同时我们看着我们最坏的敌人在破产中崩溃aswewatchourworstenemycollapseintobankruptcy.此外猜猜我在比赛之后能怎么做了Plus,guesswhatIgettodoafterthegamenow.你假
27、装你是IngridYoupretendyoureIngrid.我们假装这个盒子是我用来做赌注的那篮子苹果1.etspretendthisboxisthebasketofapplesIbetthemonthegame.我知道你接下来要干什么Iseewhereyouregoingwiththis.不你不知道No,youdont.是你要问我是不是喜欢苹果-你喜欢苹果吗Yeah,youregonnaaskmeifIlikeapples-Doyoulikeapples?此处指的是心灵捕手GoodWillHunting我们大前天晚上才刚刚看完这部电影的所以-你喜欢苹果吗Wejustwatchedthism
28、ovietwonightsago,so.-Doyoulikeapples?我不想这么做-那这些苹果怎么样Idontwannadothis.-Howaboutthemapples?Paul如果你在看到另一张这种带我名字的Paul,ifyoueverseeanotheroneofthesewithmynameonit,我要你开车进森林然后埋了它Iwantyoutodriveintothewoodsandburyit我不能决定谁收到信先生我只是送信而已Idontdecidewhogetsmail,sir.Ijustdeliverit推卸责任-Passingthebuck-懦弱和黑心的人最后的庇护所t
29、helastrefugeofthecowardlyandblack-hearted.这话有点过分了-滚Thatseemsharsh.-Getout.我们搞定了你的手♥机♥Wegotridofyourcellphone.这是你最后一张信♥用♥卡♥Thisisyourlastcreditcard.你确定要我剪掉这张卡吗Areyousureyouwantmetocutupthiscard?它让你进停车场啊Itgetsyouintotheparkinggarage.我现在要坐公交车了而且我会用现金付llbetakingthebusn
30、ow,andllbepayingincash.我在世界上还存在什么痕迹想啊人们Whatothertracesofmeexistintheworld?Think,people.IJ餐厅不是挂了你一张照片那次你啊IsntthereaphotoofyouupatJJ,sdiner,fromthattimewhenyou-aah!来啊TomComeon,Tom!这地方也太难以置信了有所有我需要的Thisplaceisunbelievable.IthaseverythingIneed:视频监视器无铅橡皮奶嘴Videomonitors,lead-freepacifiers.NASCAR车手这是我第一次见到
31、围嘴上没有印着DaleEarnhardtJr.的脸的ThesearethefirstbibsveeverseenwithoutDaleEarnhardtJr.,sfaceonthem.真的吗Really?AprilApril?抱歉失陪Excuseme,sorry.APriI你为啥没在迎新会啊April,whyarentyouatorientation?呃我刚在迎新会但它太没劲了所以我走了Um,Iwasatorientation,butitwaslame,soIleft.然后我就继续走现在我在这儿了AndthenIkeptwalking,andnowhereIam.我们现在就要回去了小姐Wear
32、egoingbackthererightnow,younglady.不不来吧Mm-mm.-Comeon.天啊放手啊陌生人God,getoffme,stranger.太抱歉我们迟到了我们刚从破产早午餐回来msosorrywerelate.Wecamefromourbankruptcybrunch.著名爵士流行歌♥手然后MichaelBUbl6演唱了但他表演时间有点长了AndMichaelBubleplayed,butheranalittlelong.我爱MichaelBubleIloveMichaelBuble.破产早午餐是最好的主意吗Wasabankruptcybrunchthe
33、bestidea?是哦我们就别吃早午餐了.Sure,letsnothavebrunch.像动物一样likeanimals.嗯这些支出里有些是有问题的Well,um,someoftheseexpendituresarequestionable.呃你们的公共泳池里装满的是瓶装水吗-完全身体补水Uh,youfilledthepublicpoolswithbottledwater?-Totalbodyhydration.这里这项是什么这项来自公共工程部的巨大开支Whatisthishere?Thismassiveexpenditurefrompublicworks?啊是的嗯是的Ah,yes.Well,
34、yes.我们给全镇买♥♥了HBOWepurchasedHBOforthewholetown.不好意思你们花政♥府♥的钱在电视订阅上吗msorry.YouspentgovernmentmoneyonaTVsubscription?HBO的广♥告♥词那可不是电视IfsnotTV.好了呃LeSlie为经济复苏组织了个展示1.eslieAllright.Uh,Lesliesputtogetherapresentationforafinancialrecovery.很好Great.你们可能会觉得很有教育性Youmayfi
35、nditveryinformative.我们从第一张幻灯片开始1.etsgetstartedwithourfirstslide.”哎呀哎呀哎呀.”Well,well,well.*啧啧啧Tsk,tsk,tsk.JJ几个月前我进来这里然后开始吃鸡蛋JJ,afewmonthsago,Icameinhereandbeganeatingeggs.他们很好吃所以我又点了些Theyweredelicious,soIorderedmore.不久之后我相信我吃掉了-Beforelong,1believe1hadeaten-20分钟内吃了51个鸡蛋51eggsin20minutes.做都来不及做最后十个还在壳里C
36、ouldntcookemfastenough.Thelasttenwerestillintheshell.创造了JJ餐厅记录然后你拍了他的照片ItwasaJJsDinerrecord,andyoutookhispicture.现在我们需要那张照片处于隐私原因Now,weneedthatpicture,forprivacyreasons.好吧但我不知道任何人能怎么认出是你Okay,butIdontknowhowanybodywouldknowitsyou.男人最多鸡蛋我们遵循了你的指示Wefollowedyourinstructions.那已经是过多信息了Thatstoomuchinformat
37、ion.我们走1.etsgo.我们现在要去哪啊WhereareWegoingnow?我在很多的餐厅吃过很多的食物veeatenalotoffoodinalotofrestaurants.为啥其他所有人都这么不擅长吃啊Whyiseveryoneelsesobadateating?我同意回到这里只是因为我们的协定Ionlyagreedtocomebackherebecauseofourdeal.你保证要跟着演吗Doyoupromisetoplayalong?是的是吗Yes.-Doyou?是的-嗨你回来啦Yes.-Hi,youreback.再次问好Helloagain.你记得的我是AprilAsyo
38、uremember,mApril,而这位是Ann我65岁的奶奶andthisisAnn,my65-year-oldgrandmother.是的那正是我Yes,that,swhoIam.无论如何我们很想听一些Bloomington的事情Anyway,wedlovetohearaboutBloomington.看起来像是个很潮的大学城哎Itseemslikearealhipkindofcollegetown.姥姥天啊没人再用“潮”这个词了Mee-maw,God,nooneusesthewordhipanymore.有时候我希望你和你的姐妹会成员们一起在泰坦尼克里下去了SometimesIwishy
39、ouwentdownontheTitanicwithallyoursororitysisters.我很乐意带你们参观校园Iwouldbehappytoshowyouguysaroundthecampus.有什么你们特别想看到的地方吗Isthereanythinginparticularthatyouwannasee?你们的本地墓地怎么样Howareyourlocalgraveyards?我有点计划要做Ihavesomeplanningtodo.“你们搞砸了Youblewit.”彻底砸了Superhard.”完全滑稽Completebuffoonery.“太好笑了“以及“你们活该”Itshila
40、rious.AndYoudeserveit.嘿你觉得或许能稍微少激动一点点吗Hey,youthinkyoumightwannatakeiteasyonthemalittlebit?哦他们偷走所有钱脱离我们镇的时候少激动了吗Oh,liketheytookiteasyonuswhentheystoleallourmoneyandsecededfromourtown?那是200年前了冷静点Thatwas200yearsago.Coolit.好吧我跳过Fine.llskipahead.你们有没有帮助我们的计划啊Doyouhaveaplanthatwillhelpusornot?去死吧#破产#我们在州里
41、能借的完全都借完了WehaveborrowedabsolutelyeverythingWecanfromthestate.真心地说PaWnee是我们唯一的希望了Andreally.Pawneeisouronlyhope.我们确实有个计划Wedohaveaplan.我们愿意提供一笔$50,000的过渡性贷款Wearewillingtoprovideabridgeloanfor$50,000.25%的每月复利25%interestcompoundedmonthly.而且你们需要发表一篇声明称Pawnee很JS♥EagIetOn很存Andyouneedtoreleaseastateme
42、ntthatsaysthatPawneerulesandEagletondrools.嗯现在你就是在故意恶心人了Well,nowyou,rejustbeingnasty.我理解我们的镇之间有复杂的历史但是Iunderstandthatourtownshaveacomplicatedhistory,but我们在Eagleton有个说法.wehaveasayinginEagleton.“不要在一匹盛装舞步马跳双人芭蕾失败之后踢它”Youdontkickadressagehorseafterafailedpasdedeux.无所谓了金发妹Whatever,biondie.你的管家铺好了床现在你得躺进
43、去了Yourbutlermadeyourbed,nowyougottalieinit.而如果你们走出了那扇门Andifyouwalkoutthatdoor,我们这里没有人我重复一遍没有人noneofushere,andIrepeat,noneofus会再帮助你们的willeverhelpyouagain.哦天啊Oh,myGod.他们居然是长♥期♥雇佣MichaelBuble啊TheyhaveMichaelBubleonretainer.好了所有我的公共照片都拿回来了Okay,allpublicphotosofmerecovered.名牌从我的办公室门上移走了Name
44、plateremovedfrommyofficedoor.儿科医生记录没收并销毁了Pediatricianfilesconfiscatedanddestroyed.还忘了什么吗好消息啊RonAnythingmmissing?-Greatnews,Ron.Jean-Ralphio爱死你的衬衫了Jean-Ralphiolovesyourshirt.你到底在说什么啊Whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?哦我整天一直在给我的Facebook新相册拍照Oh,vebeentakingpicturesofyoualldayformynewFacebookalbum:RonSwan:退网
45、纪录RonSwan:Gettinoffthegrid.TomTom,或许能看到你做的事里有个问题吗doyoumaybeseeaproblemwithwhatyouvedone?现在看到了是的抱歉Idonow.Yes,sorry.抹掉Erase.抹掉抹掉Erase.Erase.抹掉所有Ron的照片EraseallpicturesofRon!抹掉所有Ron的照片EraseallpicturesofRon!抹掉所有Ron的照片EraseallpicturesofRon!发生了什么鬼啊Whatthehellishappening?VineTWitter旗下的短视频服务我觉得你不小心打开了抖音IthinkyouaccidentallyopenedupVine.你刚刚抖音了你的第一段自♥拍♥啊RonYoujustvinedyourfirstselfie,Ron.而我正在抖音你抖音自己的自♥拍♥Andmviningyouvineyourselfie.整个世界都是个噩梦Theworldisanightmare.等等等等-抹掉所有Ron的照片Wait,wait,wait,wait.-EraseallpicturesofRo
