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1、我来12个蛋和死动物的一部分mgonnaget12eggsandpartofadeadanimal.商家自选拜托谢谢Dealerschoice.Pleaseandthankyou.你要点什么AnnWhatcan1getyou,Ann?我要点燕麦片加浆果Iwillhaveoatmealandberries.而我要点鲸鱼和粗磨玉米粒AndIwillhavecatfishandgrits,加粗黑麦吐司withpumpernickeltoast.解释Explain.嗯为了不被我男朋友们的性格卷进去Well,insteadofgettingsweptupinmyboyfriendspersonaliti
2、es,我在和自己约会尝试一些新东西Iamdatingmyselfandtryingnewthings.所以每次我出来吃饭SoeverytimeIgoouttoeat,我点-样典型是我的东西Iorderonethingthatstypicalme然后一样我永远不会点的东西andthensomethingthatIwouldneverorder.现在我有两个最好朋友了Ann和AnnNowIhavetwobestfriends,AnnandAnn.每一个都比另一个更加美丽Eachonemorebeautifulthantheother.哦我也在一直记录Oh,Ialsohavebeendocument
3、ing我尝试的所有新事情还发在了博客上allthenewthingsmtryingonmyblog.来看看Checkthisout.我去跳伞了Iwentskydiving.像疯7一样尖叫的是哪个Ann呢WhichAnnisscreaminglikeamaniac?燕麦片Ann还是l鱼AnnOatmealAnnorcatfishAnn?我不确定我当场因为极度恐慌瞬间晕过去了mnotsure,becauseIinstantlyblackedoutfromextremeterror.公园与游憩公园与游憩第5季第12集第5季第12集嘿我有个你博客文章的主意Hey,Ihaveanideaforyourb
4、log.我觉得你该带你自己去溜冰Ithinkyoushouldtakeyourselfice-skating.听起来挺好玩-是啊我们来场双重约会Thatsoundsfun.-Yeah,welldoadoubledate:你和你还有我和BenYouandyou,andmeandBen.但我得警告你我很擅长溜冰ButIhavetowarnyou,mverygoodatice-skating.我可以跳的Icandojumps.你知道吗我或许不该来Youknowwhat?Iprobablyshouldntcome.我会让你俩都尴尬的llembarrassthebothofyou.实际上我知道我的下一个
5、活动是什么了Actually,Iknowwhatmynextactivityisgonnabe.而且这是大事Anditsabiggie.我想要做个妈妈Iwanttobeamom.我今天就去精♥子♥库mgoingtothespermbanktoday.你能来吗Canyoucome?哇今天吗Wow,today?Ann你知道我完全支持所有女性的决定-Ann,youknowthatIfullysupportanywomansdecision-尤其是像你一样美丽的独角兽护士-especiallyabeautifulunicorn-nurselikeyourself-在组建她想
6、要的家庭方面increatingthefamilythatshewants.但你太聪明太善良太过性感Butyouaresobrilliantandkindandstupidhot.我觉得你当然会找到1mean,youredefinitelygonnafind一个爱你尊重你的绝好男人awonderfulguywholovesyouandrespectsyou把你的房♥子塞满混血的天才宝宝andfillsyourhomewithmulti-ethnicgeniusbabies.或许可以或许不行Maybe,ormaybenot.你跟Ben是中了彩票那很棒Youhitthelottery
7、withBen,andthatsgreat,但不是每个人运气都这么好butnoteverybodyssolucky.我想当妈妈已经很久了vewantedtobeamomforalongtime,我准备好了而且我觉得我会当得很好mready,andIthinkdbegoodatit.Ann要放弃爱情然后决定和自己生个孩子了Annisgivinguponloveanddecidingtohaveababywithherself.而她只和自己约会了六个星期Andshehasonlybeendatingherselfforsixweeks.如果她跟一个男的约会六个星期Ifsheweredatingag
8、uyforsixweeks,然后他们决定要生个孩子andtheydecidedtohaveakid,我应该会说“祝贺你啊Anndbelike,Congratulations,Ann.和ChanningTatumAndChanningTatum.因为那是对我来说唯一合理的剧情Becausethatistheonlyscenariothatwouldmakesensetome.真是美妙的草本植物的集♥合♥啊Whatagorgeousherbaceousmedley.出错rTheresbeenamistake.你无意中把我食物吃的食物给我了Youveaccidentall
9、ygivenmethefoodthatmyfoodeats.沙拉传统上是婚宴的第一道菜Saladistraditionallythefirstcourseatawedding.是沙鼠和兔子的婚礼吗Isagerbilmarryingarabbit?我负责婚礼的餐饮minchargeoffoodforthewedding.所以我带来了Pawnee最好的三家餐饮商SoIbroughtinPawnee,sthreebestcaterers和一个团的专家andapanelofexperts.Chris热爱蔬菜Chrislovesvegetables.Ron热爱肉类Ronlovesmeat.而Tom自称是
10、美食家AndTomconsidershimselfafoodie,显然这意味着拍食物的照片放上Instagramwhichapparentlymeanstakinginstagramsoffood而不是吃掉insteadofeatingit.好吧所以我喜欢第一家Okay,soIlikednumberone,Chris喜欢第二家Chrislikednumbertwo,而Ron喜欢第三家andRonlikednumberthree.Tom你的意见呢Tom,whataboutyou?餐饮商一号♥的展示很简单Caterernumberonespresentationwassimple,嗯
11、但令人疲惫mm,yetexhausting.二号♥的很微妙也很挑逗Numbertwoswassubtleandprovocative,就像是个腼腆的荷兰女人守护着一个黑暗的秘密likeacoyDutchwomanguardingadarksecret.你说的没一句能帮上忙的Nothingyouresayingishelpful.但三号♥讲了一个故事Butnumberthreestoldastory-这个故事的原著我不会去读astoryfromabookIwouldntread但我会看它改编的电影版butIwouldwatchthemovieof.这都是什么胡话Tha
12、tsnonsense.你知道吗Youknowwhat?我还是选第一家吧mgonnagowiththefirstplace.我真的很爱那个开胃菜Ireallylovedthatappetizer.哦那个迷你披萨饺吗Oh,themini-calzone?我不会那么叫的Iwouldntcallitthat.更像是一种美味的糕点Itwasmorelikeasavorypastry.精致的小面皮中装满了番茄酱奶酪和调味肉类Delicatelittledoughpocketfilledwithtomatosauce,cheese,andseasonedmeat.是令人惊艳的创新料理Justastunnin
13、gculinaryinnovation.就是个披萨饺而已Itwasacalzone.真的就是个小披萨饺而已Itwasliterallyjustasmallcalzone.美国精♥子♥银行让我给你的档案录入一些细节1.etmejustgetsomedetailsforyourfile.首先你俩是情侣吗Now,areyoutwoacouple?不悲剧的是我俩都是异性恋No.Tragically,wearebothheterosexual.所以Ann你有什么特别的偏好呢So,Ann,whatareyoulookingforinparticular?一些精♥子
14、♥Somesperm.我是说捐赠者的方面Imeantintermsofadonor?哦你知道的好人好精♥子♥Oh,youknow,niceguy.Nicesperm.翻一下这个文件夹记下任何你有兴趣的人Flipthroughthisbinder,makeanoteofanyonewhointerestsyou.我马上就回来andllbebackshortly.哦这家伙去过哈佛呢Oh!ThisguywenttoHarvard!大学炸♥弹♥客也是啊SodidtheUnabomber.这家伙看起来挺健康啊Thisguysseems
15、healthy.热爱骑行1.ovescycling.是啊LanCeArmstrong也是Yeah,sodidLanceArmstrong,而最后发现他是个撒谎的毒虫andheturnedouttobealyingdruguser.或者一个英雄Orahero.我不确定我们现在对他的看法是什么了Idontknowwherewestandonhimnow.你们好啊女士们Hello,ladies.没想到在这里碰到你们Fancymeetingyouhere.哇污水JoeWhoa,SewageJoe.哇Ann你记得（oeFantringham吧Wow.Ann,yourememberJoeFantringh
16、am.这位绅士曾被政♥府♥开除Heisthegentlemanwhowasfired因为把自己阴♥茎♥的照片电邮发给了市政厅所有女性foremailingapictureofhispenistoeverywomanincityhall.有罪是我Guilty.是的法官当时也是这么说的Yeah,thatswhatthejudgesaid.嗯哼-Joe你也是这里的捐赠者啊Mmhmm.-Joe,youareadonorhere,huh?你听到了吗AnnDidyouhearthat,Ann?太快乐了我和我所有的哥们Bigtime,meandallm
17、ybuddies.免费的钱免费的黄♥片♥Freemoney,freeporn.最棒的工作BestjobIeverhad.还有Also.如果你在找大♥麻♥贩Ifyourelookingtobuysomeweed,我也在找mlookingaswell.我们走-行Shallwe?-Yup.好的LeslieKnope套装第八套Okay,LeslieKnopeoutfitnumbereight.宝你看起来超级辣Babe,youlooksuperhot.你意识到你每一套都是这么说的吗Yourealizeyouvesaidthataboutalloft
18、hem?嗯她确实是啊每一次都是Well,shehas,everysingletime.因为她就是超级辣Causesheissuperhot.实话说你裸体最辣Honestly,youdlookhotnaked.恶这套套装让我想训斥一个天主教孩子了Ugh.ThissuitmakesmewanttoscoldaCatholicchild.服装品牌我不知道AnnTaylor是谁IdontknowwhoAnnTayloris,但我讨厌她我想要杀了她butIhateherandIwanttokillher.我这周每天都要主持一场Pawnee公园的公共论♥坛♥Ihavetolea
19、dapublicforumforthePawneeCommonseverydaythisweek,而我讨厌和人类讲话andIhatetalkingtopeople.所以为了熬过去我寻思我基本上试着模仿Leslie就好So,togetthroughit,IfiguredmjustgonnabasicallytrytoimitateLeslie.这套她还在穿Shestillwearsthis.Aniston队指布拉德皮特和詹妮弗安妮斯顿/安吉丽娜朱莉这个胸章是缝上去的Shehadthepatchsewnin.根本扯不掉Youcan,tremoveit.口袋里是什么呢你问Whatsinthepock
20、et,youask?一张FleetwoodMac1995年演唱会的票根AticketstubfromaFleetwoodMacconcertin1995,还有and.Sweetums糖果口味避孕套这套确实糟糕Thisoneisterrible,但是比其他的还是少糟糕一点butitisslightlylessterriblethantherest.所以明天我主持公共论♥坛♥的时候Sotomorrow,Ileadapublicforum要穿着Leslie的FleetwoodMae性♥爱♥长裤inLesliesFleetwoodMacsexpa
21、nts.FleetwoodMae性♥爱♥长裤新乐队名我抢FleetwoodMacSexPants.Newbandname.Icallit哦你知道吗Ooh,youknowwhat?或许就叫FleetwoodMacMaybejustFleetwoodMac.所以下一步是什么Sowhat,sthenextmove?Eagleton有一家更好的精♥子&hearts银行还是怎样Isthere,like,abetterspermbankinEagletonorsomething?呃你不会想要一个恶魔宝宝的Um,youdontwantademonbaby.你看你可是
22、AnnPerkins1.ook,youreAnnPerkins.配得上你完美卵子的精♥子♥可不会长在树上Spermthatisworthyofyourperfecteggsdoesnotgrowontrees.我觉得理想状态下Ithink,ideally,你还是想认识那个男的对吧youdwanttoknowtheguy,right?你想要了解他的性格Youdwanttoknowhispersonality,他最喜欢老友记的哪一季hisfavoriteseasonofFriends,他是不是讨厌爵士希望他是whetherornothehatesjazz-hopeful
23、ly,hedoes.你会想要认识他的Youdwanttoknowhim.是啊LeSIie你完全是对的Yes,Leslie,youretotallyright.我要回家然后我要做一个表mgonnagohome,andmgonnamakealist列出我所有已经认识的可能捐赠者ofalltheguysIalreadyknowwhocouldbedonors.然后我联♥系♥他们Andthen,mgonnacallthem跟他们说我在写博客调杳男性健康之类的andtellthemmdoingsomeblogentryonmenshealthorsomething.我可以采访
24、他们然后问任何想问的Icaninterviewthemandaskthemwhatever1want.你真是个天才Youreagenius!这是你的主意而我爱死了Thisisyouridea,andIloveit我回头打给你Illcallyoulater.不No.如果我不拖慢这趟宝宝列车Ifldontslowthisbabytraindown,Ann可能会跟哪个怪咖路人生了个孩子Annmayenduphavingababywithsomerandomweirdo而不是她的灵魂伴侣insteadofhersoulmate.我完全相信一个女性应该有权掌管她的身体Ifullybelievethata
25、womanshouldbeinchargeofwhathappenstoherbody.这一次身体是Ann的Inthiscase,thebodyisAnn,s,而掌权的女性是我andthewomaninchargeofitisme.我通宵头脑风暴搞定了这个完整官方列表Iwasupallnightbrainstormingandthisisthecompleteofficiallist包含Ann宝宝爸爸的候选人ofcandidatesforAnnsbabydaddy.哇你是怎么想到这所有三个名字的Wow,howdidyoucomeupwiththesethreenames?嗯我排除了所有在恋爱关
26、系里的还有明显的“不”的Well,IeliminatedeveryoneinarelationshipandtheobviousNos,比如人力资源部的手指毛DavelikeKnuckle-hairDavefromHR.我倒是不介意手指毛我只是觉得他是个混♥蛋♥-是啊Idontmindtheknucklehair.Ijustthinkhesadick.-Yeah.而我就留下了那三个家伙AndIwasleftwiththosethreeguys.别忘了他们还都不知道捐精的事情Dontforget,theydontknowaboutthespermdonorthing.
27、我不想让他们知道Idontwantthemtoknow.我告诉他们是为了博客做采访ItoldthemIwasinterviewingthemforablog.第一位这就来了Harris医生Herecomesthefirstone.Dr.Harris!嘿-嘿他到这了-嗨AnnLeslieH-hey,thereheis.-Hi.Ann,Leslie.办公室好小我的大太多了Smalloffice.Mineswaybigger.这要花很久吗还有个病人要过来Isthisgonnatakelong?Gotapatientcomingin.不不会很久请坐No,notatall.Pleasehaveaseat
28、.实际上要不你还是去看看你的病人吧Actually,maybeyoushouldcheckinonyourpatient.我知道我就讨厌我的医生让我等IknowthatIhateitwhenmydoctormakesmewait.那人脊柱骨折Guysgotaspinalfracture.哪也去不了He,snotgoinganywhere.嗯哼-哦我办公室里的椅子可是皮的Uh-huh.-Ooh.Theseatsinmyofficeareleather.好吧Okay.ChrisChris?我要死了mdying.我今天早些时候要死了Iwasdyingearliertoday.然后我死了Andthen
29、Idied.现在我是死人了Nowmdead.我被迫和ShaunaMalwae-Tweep取消了约会IhadtocanceladatewithShaunaMalwae-Tweep.而我真的喜欢她AndIreallylikeher.你觉得她还会喜欢我吗Doyouthinkshellstilllikeme现在我死了的情况下nowthatmdead?这是什么啊Whatisthis?是食物中毒我也有了Itsfoodpoisoning.Ihaveittoo.我昨晚一秒都没睡Ididnotsleepforonesecondlastnight.我把马桶底给坐碎了AndIcrackedthebottomofth
30、etoiletbowl.哦天啊别说这些啊Oh,God,dontsaythat.有人和TOm联♥系♥过了吗HasanybodytalkedtoTom?我不敢想象那么小的一个人会是什么感觉Icantevenimaginewhatthattinylittlemanmustbefeelinglike.我过去12个小时里就已经排出一个Tom的体重了IhavevoidedmorethanTomsbodyweightinthelast12hoursalone.他可能就直接从地球上消失了Hemighthavejustdisappearedofftheearth.我们需要给他打电&h
31、earts;话♥我们需要联♥系♥到他Weneedtocallhim.Wemustreachouttohim.我做不到Icantdoit.BenBen,分机号♥7820extension7820.你们好各位Hello,everyone.我是公园部门的AprilLudgatemAprilLudgatefromtheParksDepartment.欢迎来到关于Pawnee公园的一场公共论♥坛♥AndwelcometoapublicforumaboutthePawneeCommons.罗斯福总统的妻子(1884-196
32、2)正如埃莉诺罗斯福曾对AsEleanorRooseveltoncesaid福特总统的妻子(19182011)BettyFord说的toBettyFord.希拉里克&hearts淋♥顿♥很棒哦HillaryClintonisgreat.*现在如果你们赏光看看座位下面Now,ifyouallwouldkindlylookunderyourchairs,你们会找到一个特别惊喜-youwillfindaspecialsurprise-一张有项目详情的传♥单♥aflyerwithdetailsabouttheproject,还有友情手链and.F
33、riendshipbands我为你们每个人单独做的thatvemadeforeachandeveryoneofyou.所以现在我猜我们是公园伙伴了Sonow,Iguesswe,reParkPals.你该看看这把椅子下面的鼻屎Youshouldseetheboogerunderthischair.AndyAndy.再次见到你挺好AnnItsnicetoseeyouagain,Ann.接到你的电♥话♥很开心Iwashappytogetthecall.是啊Pete你气色不错-喔Yeah,Pete,youlookgreat.-Aww.所以你还在灌篮吗Soareyoustil
34、ldunkingbasketballs?你知道我可不只是一个前高中篮球明星Youknow,malotmorethanjustaformerhighschoolbasketballstar.我在Pawnee社区大学教市场营销IteachmarketingoveratPawneeCommunityCollege.哦那很棒啊-是啊Oh,thatsgreat.-Yeah.你觉得你看重教育吗Wouldyousayyouvalueeducation?我知道这里发生什么了Iseewhatsgoingonhere.你们想要我的精♥子♥Youwantmysperm.什么你在说什么呢W
35、hat?Whatareyoutalkingabout?这个镇的女人何时才能不图谋我的精♥子♥啊Whenwillwomeninthistownstopschemingtogetmysperm?哇Wow.那个姨♥子♥养♥的♥还真敏锐Thatsonofabitchisastute.好吧我只需要再驳倒一个人Okay,allIneedtodoisjustshootonemorepersondown然后我就能争取点时间andthenIcanbuysometime说服Ann等到她自己的Ben级别灵魂伴侣了andconvinc
36、eAnntowaitforherownBen-levelsoulmate.最后一个男的是HowardTuttlemanThelastguyisHowardTuttleman.我记得那个名字Iknowthatname.我是怎么知道那个名字的HowdoIknowthatname?我知道这是个冬日的早Iknowitsawintersmorn,私处冲洗器品牌但它感觉就像夏天的夜butitfeelslikeasummerseve,私处冲洗器因为混♥蛋♥来这个楼里了causetheDoucheisinthebuilding.咋滴啦女士们Whatsup,ladies?哦哇Oh,w
37、hoa!闻起来像是呕吐物在里面拉了屎Smellslikesomevomittookadumpinhere.发生什么了Whathappened?我们食物中毒了TOmWegotfoodpoisoning,Tom.你是怎么没有食物中毒的Howdoyounothavefoodpoisoning?因为他什么也没吃Becausehedidnteatanything.他只是拍照Hejusttookpictures然后说着那个“哇“因素andtalkedaboutthewowfactor.不正确啊你们吃的所有东西我都吃了Nottrue.Iateeverythingyoudid.你确定吗Areyousure?有
38、什么你没吃的吗Isthereanythingthatyoudidnteat?哦是啊Oh,yeah.我没吃那些蠢爆的迷你披萨饺Ididnteatthosestupidmini-calzones.Haver食规矩第六条-Haver-foodrulenumbersix-永远不吃需要我自己蘸酱的东西nevereatanythingwithasauceIhavetodipmyself.给我淋上啊Drizzleitonforme.我又不是你的女仆mnotyourmaid.披萨饺背叛我了吗Thecalzones.betrayedme?不会再犯了伙计们Neveragain,guys.皇天在上厚土为证AsGod
39、asmywitness,他们对我已经死了they,redeadtome.好了嗯Tommy感觉不错Allright,well,Tommyfeelsgreat.而我要去吃点意面了Andmabouttogoeatsomelasagna.回见Peace!我害怕这个公园会给我增税mafraidthisparkwillraisemytaxes.啊嗯别害怕Ah,well,fearnot.在通常公园部预算和我们的公♥司♥合作伙伴BetweenthenormalParksbudgetandourcorporatepartners-我也害怕公园会很吵malsoafraidthepark
40、willbenoisy.而且都是蜘蛛Andfullofspiders.而且晚上很黑Anddarkatnighttime.我害怕很多东西mscaredofalotofstuff.一切都很好Everythingsfine.我很好我是WaIter我很好mfine.mWalter,andmfine.这会是个半裸公园吗Isthisgonnabeatoplesspark?我不觉得有半裸公园这个东西Idontthinktherearetoplessparks.那我们建第一座Well,letsbuildthefirstone成为英雄啊andbeheroes.如果这要是个半裸公园的话Ifthisisgoingt
41、obeatoplesspark,我就不给你的申请书签字Iwontsignyourpetition.如果她要去半裸公园的话Ifshesgoingtothetoplesspark,我就不给平裸公园申请书签字mnotsigningthetoplessparkpetition.你知道我收回我还是来Youknow,Itakethatback,mstillin.怎么着我是HarrisWhatsup?mHarris.是啊是啊忘记那个无所谓的Pawnee公园吧Yeah,yeah.ForgetwhateverthatPawneeCommonsis.我同意那个变♥态♥mwiththat
42、pervert半裸公园半裸公园Toplesspark.Toplesspark!半裸公园-半裸公园Toplesspark!-Toplesspark!你是去哪上学的呢Wheredyougotoschoolagain?西北大学我学的是符号♥语言学Northwestern.Istudiedsemiotics.写了篇关于数字世界叙述方式的论文Wroteathesisonnarrativeformsinthedigitalworld.然后你成了恶搞节目主持人还发明了运动“玷污球”吗Thenyoubecameamorningshock-jockandcreatedthesporttaintba
43、ll?是啊你知道这个混♥蛋♥人格Yeah.Youknow,theDouchepersona是我上大学的时候想到的issomethingIcameupwithduringcollege.开始只是讽刺Itstartedassatire,然后你知道我们滚雪球发展到现在这个地步了and,youknow,wesnowballedtowherewearetoday.我是说我知道是个很蠢的事情但至少能买♥♥单Imean,Iknowit,sasillythingtodo,butitpaysthebills.嗯我觉得你可能该回到你的演播室Well,Ithi
44、nk,youprobablyneedtogetbacktothestudio,玩点放屁笑话对一些移♥民♥开玩笑playsomefartjokes,makefunofsomeimmigrants.实际上一个放屁移♥民♥的段子会真的很好笑Actually,afartingimmigrantsegmentwouldbereallyfunny.再见了噗Aydios.留神得不错LeslieGoodlookingout,Leslie.你们啥时候要再来一次Youguyseverwanttodothisagain,无衣版的那就叫我sansclothing
45、,givemeashout.恶心-那句是混♥蛋♥讲的Gross.-ThatwastheDouchetalking.诚实说这个项目祝你们好运Honestly,goodluckonthisproject.听起来真的很有意思Itsoundsreallyinteresting.我要快速扫下这些胸器mgonnascanaquickpicofthemboobies往拍屁♥股♥银行放一点点小存货foralittledepositinElbancodespanko.刚刚是混♥蛋♥讲的ThatwastheDouchetalking.混♥蛋♥国度哦Douchenation.你们知道图书馆在哪吗Youguysknowwherethelibraryis?哇好吧那招可行不通了Wow
