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1、J我笨口拙舌JJ-*Mywordsarelazy?J我呆头呆脑JjMythoughtsarehazyJJ但有一件事我很确定JJButthisisonethingmsureofJJ每个人都需要一个好朋友JJEverybodyneedsabestfriend?J我很开心我是你的JJmhappymyours?好吧Allright我们现在来到了健康课的最后一个单元Wehavecometothefinalunithereinhealthclass-性教育sexualeducation.这是一个成熟的话题Now,thisismaturesubjectmatter,我希望你们都能成熟地处理它andIexpe
2、ctyoualltohandleitwithmaturity就像你们正在成为成熟的大人一-样liketheyoungadultsyouarebecoming.我很害怕泰迪mscared,Teddy.如果他给我们看一张阴♥道♥图然后我勃起了呢WhatifheshowsusadiagramofavaginaandIgetaboner?在这节课结束之前你肯定会勃起的哥们儿Hey,youregettingabonerbeforethisclassends,buddy.你越早接受这一点越好Thesooneryouwrapyourheadaroundthat,thebetter
3、.性♥交♥是爱和感情的一种身体表达Sexualintercourseisaphysicalexpression这完全是自然现象ofloveandaffectionthatisperfectlynatural但往往是致命的andoftendeadly.性传播疾病包括Sexuallytransmitteddiseasesinclude淋病艾滋病毒疱疹衣原体gonorrhea,HlV,herpes,chlamydia,HPV甲型到丙型肝炎HPV,hepatitisAthroughC-J肯尼迪被吹走了我还能说什么JJJFK,blownaway,whatelsedoIhave
4、tosay?JJ不是我们放的火JJWedidntstartthefire?泰迪别闹了Ted,knockitoffl看这就是我说的重点See,thisisexactlywhatImtalkingabout.为了避免性传播疾病Toavoidsexuallytransmitteddisease,安全的性行为是很重要的itisimportanttopracticesafesex.谁能告诉我最安全的性♥爱♥是什么Now,whocantellmewhatthesafestsexofallis?没有人知道吗Noone?是自♥慰♥Masturbation
5、.如果你要布置作业Hey,ifyouregonnaassignhomework,约翰尼今早上就已经做完了Johnnyalreadydiditthismorning喂你给我闭嘴Hey,shutthefuckup,dudel他还做了额外学分安静He,sdoingextracredit.Bequiet!打住-噢StopitlOh!你再这样下去就要被关禁闭了先生Youkeepthatup,youreheadedfordetention,mister.那么为什么进行安全性行为很重要呢Now,whyisitimportanttopracticesafesex?这一切都始于生物学Well,itallbegi
6、nswithbiology.要来了让我们Aw,herewego.-Letsstart从女性生殖系统开始讲withthefemalereproductivesystem.哦不Oh,no.天呐即使对你来说这也太快了Holyshit.That,sfast,evenforyou.嗯不过还好一切都结束:了Well,mgladthatsover,huh?我懂那就像婴儿版性教育1know,thatwaslikesexedforbabies.什么What?说真的居然光说H♥慰♥Imean,yourereallygonnatalk连能提升体验的办法都不讲aboutmasturbati
7、onandleaveoutedging?说真的他甚至没说按♥摩♥前列腺Seriously.Hedidnteventalkabout能够提高高&hearts/朝♥强度howmassagingtheprostateincreasesorgasmintensity.你看到了吗我提到舔菊DidyouseehowwhenIbroughtuprimming,他就翻到词汇表去了吗heflippedtotheglossary?等等你Waiyout-你们俩上过床吗youtwohavehadsex?没有呢No.我只会自摸Imfelchingmyownjizz.废话我们都1
8、6岁了Pfft!Duh,we,re16.什久时候和谁When?Withwho?几周前和对方Afewweeksago,witheachother.我们不想成为学校里最后一个Wedidn,twanttobethelastonesinschool破处的人toloseourvirginity.哦对Oh,yeah.哦不当然了No.Right,ofcourse.那样不是丢脸死了How-howlamewouldthatbe,right?我都不知道你们俩在约会Wow,Ididntevenknowyoutwoguysweredating安德鲁我以为你是同性恋Andrew,!thoughtyouweregay.我
9、不知道可能是Idontknow.Mightbe.我只知道我可不是个废物Ijustknowmnotafuckingloser.你好自信我好喜欢Youresoconfident.Iloveit.我们去电脑室吧1.etsgotothecomputerroom.我们可以一边玩俄勒冈小道-边做WecandoitontheOregonTrail.好家伙泰迪你知道这意味着什么吗Holyshit,Teddy,doyouknowwhatthismeans?我是学校里最后一个处♥男♥mthelastvirgininschool.本卡恩斯呢WhataboutBenCarness?不是他和
10、他数学老师睡了No,hesleptwithhismathteacher.所以她才被开除了Thatswhyshegotfired.我以为她因为给他致幻药才被解雇的Ithoughtshegotfiredforgivinghimangeldust对他们就是交换这俩来着Yeah,Teddy,Ithinkthatwasthetrade好家伙那是真的离谱oh,yeah,well,thenthatsamess.不管怎样兄弟这很严肃的Anyway,dude,thisisserious我得赶紧找个人上♥床♥Ineedtohurryupandhavesexwithsomebody不然别
11、人会发现的我就丢大脸了beforepeoplefindoutandmhumiliated你是对的我们得找个买♥♥家YourerightWegottafindabuyer.新鲜的阴♥茎♥Freshpenis!来买♥♥新鲜的阴♥茎♥Getyourfreshpenisherel天呐泰迪Ted,JesusChristl这阴♥茎♥以前属于一个只在周日Thispenisusedtobelongtoalittleoldlady川它的小老太太whoonlyfuckedit
12、onSundays!还有新出厂的气味Stillhasthatnewpenissmell!你能闭上嘴吗Willyoushutup?好吧我只是想帮忙AlJright,Imjusttryingtohelp好吧那塔莉亚呢Okay,whataboutTalia?塔莉亚温斯洛普是不会跟你上♥床♥的TaliaWinthropisnothavingsexwithyou.嘿你又不知道Hey,youdontknowthat你见过和她约会的男人吗约翰尼Youeverseentheguysshedates,Johnny?他们是沉思的堕落者Theyrebroodingdegenerates.
13、他们会涂指甲的Theypainttheirnails.你就想干这个吗你想涂指甲吗Isthatwhatyouwanttodo?Youwanttopaintyournails?我又不介意涂指甲Icouldpaintmynails.好吧你想做指甲油哥吗Oh,ok-oh,youwanttobenail-paintingguy?好了准备好永远失去幽默感吧Okay,getreadytoneverbefunny.不要再开玩笑了Nomorejokes.你再也没机会开玩笑了Younevergettomakeajokeagain.为什么Whynot?涂指甲油的男人都很严肃Nail-paintguyisveryse
14、rious.如果你在游轮上看到船长Ifyoureonacruiseandyouspot带着一位女乘客回到thecaptainbringingaladypassenger他的船舱你会怎么说backtohiscabin,whatdoyousay?你会说她有得吹了Well,yousay,Tharsheblows.不你不会你会说挺甜的No,youdont.Yousay,Goodforthem.你会说在这个操蛋的世界卷个人都值得爱Yousay,Everyonedeservesloveinthisfucked-upworld,因为你是涂指甲油那种人causeyougotpaintednails.等等我能说
15、“让我抖抖这木头”吗WaicanI-canIsay,Shivermetimbers?不你不能不能讲笑话No,youcannot.Nojokes.只有指甲油Onlyfingercolors.嘿布莱尔你觉得Oh,hey,Blaire.Hey,youthink你的大学朋友会愿意oneofyourcollegefriendswouldbewilling和约翰上♥床♥吗tohavesexwithJohn?肯定会的每个文学专业学生的梦想Yeah,everylitmajorwants都是和一个青少年在他的星球大战床单上做♥爱♥tohavesexwith
16、ateenageronhisStarWarssheets.和她父亲关系不好也是加分项噢Oh,andabadrelationshipwithherfatherisaplus.你有这样的朋友吗Yougotanyfriendslikethat?好吧你为什么问我这个Okay,whyareyouaskingmethis?因为我是我们班最后一个处♥男♥Causemthelastvirgininmyclass.别这样你的朋友总是想Comeon,yourfriendsarealways在这个世界上做点好事的吧tryingtodogoodintheworld.不如让她们中的一个先别解
17、决饥饿的问题Howaboutoneofemtakesabreak来帮这小子解决一下饥渴的问题fromfeedingthehungrytofuckthedesperate?嗯不行我是不会帮你的Yeah,no.mnothelpingyou.天啊我真可怜God,mpathetic.别这样有很多处子很酷的Ah,comeon.Theresalotofcoolvirgins.飞行修女TheFlyingNun,里奇里奇RichieRich,林肯纪念堂theLincolnMemorial那本年鉴Thatyearbook我从没上过床veneverhadsex,也没交过女朋友neverhadagirlfriend
18、.我甚至从来没有亲过任何人Fuck,veneverevenkissedanybody.你九岁时在游♥行♥上YoukissedMichaelDukakis亲过迈克尔杜卡基斯atthatparadewhenyouwerenine.对那不算是他亲了我Yeah,thatdoesntcount.Hekissedme.那场面可激♥情♥了他们还把它登在了报纸上Itwaspassionateenoughthattheyranitinthepaper.听着别担心约翰尼1.ook,dontworry,Johnny.波士顿有很多小巷Theresalotofal
19、leysinBoston.肯定有地方有鸡洞的Oneofthemsgottahaveagloryhole.如果不行我们就去伍斯特Andifitdoesn,weregoingtoWorcester.看看那些等救济的1.ookatallthesewelfarequeens.你看这就是这个国家的问题所在See,tha-that,stheproblemwiththiscountry.每个人都希望能衣来伸手Everybodyexpectseverythinghandedtothem饭来张口onasilverplatter.嗨Hey,guys.我能跟你们说件事吗Um,canItalktoyouaboutso
20、mething?你要金枪鱼三明治吗Youwantatunasandwich?不不用了No,m-mokay是关于约翰的itsaboutJohn.我觉得他可能快要Uh,Ithinkhemightbeonthevergeof-我觉得他对Well,I-1thinkhesinterested性方面的活跃感兴趣inbecomingsexuallyactive你是什么意思Whatdoyoumean?我真的不知道该怎么说得更清楚Well,IdontreallyknowhowIcanbeclearerthanthat.你们跟约翰谈过性吗Um,haveyouguysevertalkedtoJohna-abouts
21、ex?当然没有他才16岁CoursenotHesonly16谈论性是粗鲁的Talkingaboutsexisrude.所以你们指望他靠一个体育老师Soyouregonnarelyonagymteacher和一个好色的泰迪熊学习性知识吗andahornyteddybear?你怎么能指望他只有能学到Imean,howdoyouexpecthimtolearn他需要知道的东西whatheneedstoknow?当你应征入伍时他们会给你看个视频Whenyougetdrafted,theyshowyouafilm.我知道说这些可能会很尴尬1.ook,Igetitcanbeanawkwardconvers
22、ation,但这真的很重要butitsreallyimportant.托尼兰德尔也在那个视频里面TonyRandallwasinit你说得很对布莱尔Youreabsolutelyright,Blaire.你知道我会怎么做吗Youknowwhatmgonnado?我要剪个环球报的问贝丝栏目mgonnaclipanAskBethfromTheGlobe,然后塞进他的门缝里andllslideitunderhisdoor.各位人类的性行为Guys,there,snothingshameful没什么可耻的abouthumansexuality你见过会开大灯的Youveneverbeeninastrip
23、club脱衣舞俱乐部吗whenthelightscomeon.我也没有见过哈AndneitherhaveI马蒂这不是开玩笑好吗Matty,thisisntajoke,okay?他需要知道这些Heneedstoknowthisstuff.等时机成熟我会跟他谈的1.ook,IIlltalktohimwhenthetimeisright.我告诉你Andmtellingyou,作为一个非常了解他的人assomebodywhoknowshimreallywell,现在就是成熟的时机了itstherighttime,好吧我觉得你只是想避免Okay,Ithinkyouretryingtoavoid尴尬的谈话
24、anuncomfortableconversation,说实话你这样挺自私的andhonestly,thatsselfishofyou,我只想消消停停地吃午饭Allmtryingtodoiseatmylunchhere.天呐Jesus.你出月经r还是怎么的Yourperiodcominginorsomething?我什么1-what?当我没说-出月经了ForgetitComingin?你以为是出智齿吗1.ikeitsmyfuckingadultteeth?当我没提过-操了原来需要ForgetIbroughtitup.Fuck,itsoundslike性教育的你不是他youneedthetalk
25、,nothim.你知道月经是怎么来的吗Doyouhaveanyideahowaperiodactuallyworks?我该知道的都知道Iknowenough.没人跟你解释过吧Noone,severexplainedittoyou,havethey?我试过解释来着Itriedonce,但马蒂说离节日太近了说这些不得体butMattysaiditwastooclosetotheholidays.我的天啊苏姨Oh,myGod.AuntSuze,你得为你儿子着想好吗thinkaboutyourson,allright?难道你不希望约翰成长为DontyouwantJohntogrowup一个性思想健康的
26、成年人吗tobeasexuallyhealthyadult?布莱尔注意措辞Blaire,language.我父母从没跟我谈过性Myparentsnevertalkedtomeaboutsex.我自己想明白的我也挺好的不是吗Ifigureditalloutonmyown,andImdoingjustfine.我们会和约翰谈谈的WelltalktoJohn.进来Comein约翰John?怎么了Yeah?你一个人吗Areyoualone?嗯对泰迪去商店Yeah.Yeah,Teddywent买♥♥多力多滋了tothestoretogetDoritos.我们家有多力多滋啊亲爱
27、的Oh,wehaveDoritoshereatthehouse,honey.真的吗-是的随时都有Wedo?-Oh,yeah,always.对哦我们是垃圾白人Oh,thatsright.We,retrash.约翰你父亲和我John,yourfatherand1,我们想和你谈谈Wewanttotalktoyouaboutsomething.一件私事It,saprivatething.什么事Whatisit?约翰John,有时候两个成年人结婚了sometimeswhentwogrown-upsaremarried,他们晚上andthey1reinabed,在床上的时候anditsnighttime,
28、他们的穿泳衣的部位会有一种奇怪的感觉theygetthisfunnyfeelingintheirbathingsuitareas.天哪苏珊)esusChrist,Susan!是这样的约翰It,slikethis,John.男人和女人有不同的部位Menandwomenhavedifferentparts,这些部分像活塞和气缸一样组合在一起andthosepartsfittogetherlikeapistonandacylinder.要给马达一分钟预热一下Justgivethemotoraminutetowarmup.如果你发动你会炸了垫片Ifyougunit,youregonnablowagas
29、ket,卡住你至少要花一千块seizeup,andyourelookingatminimumagrand换一个新的发动机foranewengineblock.这就是性♥爱♥Thatssex.我真的服了Fuckme.约翰John.总有一天等你长大了Someday,whenyoureolder,你会有你的第一次youregonnahaveyourfirsttime,那会很特别的亲爱的anditshouldbespecial,honey.我会没事的妈妈Yeah,Illbefine,Mom.我希望它比我的第一次更好Iwantittobebetterthanmyfirstti
30、me.天啊不这就不用God,no,pleasedont-那是1974年Itwas1974.你父亲和我当时住在收费公路旁的AndyourfatherandIwerestayingataHowardJohnsons一家豪生酒店事情进展很快offtheturnpike,andthingsweremovingquickly,突然电视上播了一则新闻whensuddenlytherewasanewsbulletinontheTV.尼克松辞职了Nixonhadresigned.你父亲他心烦意乱Oh,yourfather,hewassodistracted情绪激动andjustsoagitatedand妈真的
31、你没必要说这么多Mom,really,youdonthavetodothis.我想把他拉回床上但他不肯Itriedtogethimbackintobed,buthewouldnt.他太难过了他一直不停地大喊大叫Hewastooupset.Hejustkeptyelling,那些嬉皮士赢了那些嬉皮土赢了Thehippieshavewon!Thehippieshavewon!他们赢r他们赢rTheyvewon!Theyvewon!我希望这对你有所帮助Ihopethishelped.这该死的树脂让我头疼Thisfuckingresin,sgivingmeaheadache.你不能给你那人打电&hea
32、rts;话♥吗Cantyoucallyourguy?那人不会在安息I=I卖♥♥给我Ah,myguywon,tselltomeonShabbat.操Ah,shit.泰迪如果我永远都是处怎么办Teddy,whatifmavirginforever?我该怎么办Imean,whatdoIdo?看1.ook,我知道找鸡洞的事没成Iknowthegloryholethingdidntworkout,但至少我们参观了这座城市butatleastwegottoseethecity.我们还遇到了那个友善的流浪汉Wemetthatfriendlyhomelessguy他给
33、我们上了一课然后死了whotaughtusalessonandthendied.是啊但如果这就是我的未来呢Yeah,butImean,like,whatifthisismyfuture?如果是的话你就得Well,ifitis,youjustgottalearn学会接受那种尴尬tolivewiththeembarrassment.我是说情况可能更糟的Yeah,Imean,itcouldbeworse.比如贝尔维迪尔先生坐在自己的蛋蛋上了Imean,Mr.Belvederesatonhisownballs不得不去医院andhadtogotothehospital.什么-没错What?-Yeah.我
34、说那就是奇耻大辱Yeah.Imean,that,shumiliation.你是说电视剧里那个贝尔维迪尔先生吗1.ike-like,Mr.BelvederefromtheTVshow?对对Yeah.Yeah,man.他在好莱坞圣诞游♥行♥时Hewasridinginaconvertible坐着敞篷车duringtheHollywoodChristmasparade,向后摔倒撞碎了自己的蛋fellbackwards,crushedhisownballs.我滴妈Jesus.如果是你的话你是想在游♥行♥中出这种意外呢Wouldyouratherh
35、avethathappentoyouataparade还是出肯尼迪那种意外orwhathappenedtoJFKhappentoyouataparade?噢天呐我是真的说不好Oh,God,Ihonestlydontknow.这很难回答对吧Yeah,thatsatoughone,right?这个问题很难问答这是我听过的Thatsareallytoughone.That,s,like,oneof最艰难的二选一了thehardestwould-you-rathersveeverheard.我知道这就像是个脑筋急转弯1know.That,s,like,abrainteaser.天啊我太嗨了没法去想那事
36、儿God,mtoohightothinkaboutthat.确实很难回答Yeah,it,satoughone.好吧不管了Okay,allright,fuckthis.我们得弄点真正的大♥麻♥来Wegottagetsomerealweed.嘿去问问希拉博格瓦特怎么样Hey,whataboutSheilaBorgwardt?那个辣得要死的希拉吗What,like,smoking-hotSheila?记得吗之前就是她帮我们介绍的Yeah,remember,shehookedusupbefore.她让我们去找的那个毒贩子就是布莱尔Shesentustothatdealerw
37、hoturnedouttobeBlaire.是啊确实不太妙Oh,yeah,thatwasntgood.就像流浪汉乔说的Well,itsjustlikeHomelessJoesaid.当心如愿以Becarefulwhatyouwish啊我的心脏Agh,myheart.嗯-对他死了YeahYeah,hedied.Oh.Hey.嘿嘿Hey.泰迪是吧Ted,right?对没错Yeah,thatsright.嘿你姐姐在吗Uh,hey,isyoursisterhere?在Uh,yeah.希拉有人找Sheila,yougotcompany!再见Seeyoulater.约翰John?哦你好贝瑟尼Oh.Hi,B
38、ethany.嗨最近怎么样Hi.Howsitgoing?挺好Uh,itsgoinggood.我的我的泰迪熊在楼上My,Uh-myteddybearsupstairs从你姐那里买♥♥毒品buyingdrugsfromyoursister.挺好Ah,nice.那天的性教育课真奇怪Wh-sexedclasswasweirdtheotherday.是啊太奇怪了Oh,yeah,itwassuperweird.是啊我还是忘不了Yeah,Istillcantgettheimage梅纳德老师把避孕套套在香蕉上的画面ofMr.Maynardputtingacondomonabanan
39、aoutofmyhead.我懂你的意思对吧就像Oh,yeah,Iknow,right?Like-就像你能想象你就是那根香蕉like,canyouimagine,like,beingabanana,然后你被摘下树然后你被放在船上and-and,like,yougetpicked,andthenyougetputonaboat,然后你被放到市场上andthenyougetputintothemarket,然后你在路上想着啊and-andyourethinkingthewholetime,like,哦我希望我能被做成奶油派oh,IhopeIgettobemadeinto,like,acreampie
40、或者被人假装用来打电♥话♥or,like,usedasaphoneforhumor.结果你最后到了我们的教室里Andthenyou,rejustsittinginourclass,假装是个鸡♥巴♥pretendingtobeadick.我得走了Well,1-1gottago.嗯好吧行Oh,okay,yeah,forsure.嗯-嗯很高兴见到你YeahYeah.Goodtoseeyou.再见Seeyoulater.你保证这是给你自己的对吧Youpromisethisisjustforyou,right?因为我不想因为教唆罪被抓CauseId
41、ontwanttogetbustedforenabling.我保证只是给我和嘟嘟乐队的其他成员的Nope,justmeandtherestoftheguysinthedoo-wopgroup.那些人需要兴奋才能感受音乐你懂的Thoseguysneedabuzztofeelthemusic,youknow.我不吸的时候更厉害Me,Imgoodwhenmstraight.这就是为什么总是我Thatswhymalwaystheonetalking去和管理层讨论报酬的问题tomanagementaboutpayment.你知道这种逻辑问题Youknow,anythinglogisticlikethat
42、,总是落在我身上-嗯嗯嗯italwaysfallsonmy-Yeah,yeah.你想要醇香的Youlookingforsomethingmellow还是烈性的orsomethingmorepotent?上次那个人Well,mylastguygaveme给了我一些不错的东西somethingthatwasprettygood.叫自信大猩猩ItwascalledConfidentGorilla.你有吗-应该没有吧Yougotanyofthat?-1dontthinkso,但我刚买♥♥了一批新货叫“心跳手指”butIjustgotthisnewbatchcalledHea
43、rtbeatFingers.是啊不了那个不了听起来不太好Ah,yeah,no,that-no,tha-thatdoesntsoundsogood.还有什么Uh,uh,whatelse?让我看看Uh,letmelook.那个希拉So,Sheila,无意冒犯但你有没有想过要改掉nooffense,butyoueverthinkaboutdoingsomething你这难听死的名字aboutthatgod-awfulname?搞定了Gotit.好耶Oh,hellyeah.对了顺便说一句Yeah,bytheway,justFYL希拉是她死去的母亲的名字Sheilaisherdeadmother,sna
44、me,所以我们以后不能再在这里买♥♥东西了sowerenotallowedtoshophereanymore.天啊卡夫卡之旅Oh,man,KafkaTrip?这玩意儿不就是让我嗨到觉得IsntthistheStuffthatmademethink老干妈生我气了那东西吗theLand0,Lakesladywasmadatme?她只剩下几批货了Well,sheonlyhadafewotherbatches.心跳手指浴室镜子清算Uh,HeartbeatFingers,BathroomMirrorReckoning,那啥玩意儿还有我为啥尿不出来WhatWasThat,and
45、WhyWontThePeeStart.咦惹好吧走了Yikes.Allright,goon.把它放在你包里Putitinyourbag.嘿Hey!嘿那大♥麻♥我们还要的你这个混♥蛋♥Hey,weneedthatpot,youmotherfuckerl放开我Getoffmel天啊好救Jesus,nicesave!伙计去他的Man,fuckthatguy我们应该报♥警♥Weshouldcallthefuckingcops.也许也许在现在这个情况下我们不该报♥警♥Yeah,maybemaybeunderthecircumstances,no天啊你还好吗Oh,myG
