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1、J我笨口拙舌JJ-*Mywordsarelazy?J我呆头呆脑JJMythoughtsarehazy?J但有一件事我很确定JJButthisisonethingmsureof?J所有人都需要一个好朋友JJEverybodyneedsabestfriendJJ我很开心我是你的JJmhappymyoursJB7B7.没有-又没有Miss.-Again?是的天哪连着八个了Yup.Jesus,that,seightmisses.正是如此Yes,itis.你把船放进去了没Didyouputyourshipsin?我没有No,Ididnot.你搞什么老兄Whatthefuck,dude?你在进行军事化布防
2、之时Whileyouweremilitarizing,我把我的资金用于其础设施建设Iallocatedmyfundstowardinfrastructure-道路与桥梁学校和医院建造约翰roadsandbridges,schoolsandhospitals,John.迎合我的人♥民♥的需求Theneedsofmypeople.这游戏不是这样的Thatsnothowthegameworks.这才不是个游戏你个混♥蛋♥It,snotagame,yousonofabitch!天哪行吧Jesus,OK.抱歉我好像是陆军野战医院看多了Sorry,I
3、thinkvebeenwatchingtoomuchM.A.S.H.孩子们上楼来BOys,comeupstairs.要给饼干涂糖霜咯Itscookie-frostingtime.要去吗Wegonnadothis?洛莉洛芙琳要在3点上奥普拉脱秀1.oriLoughlinson0prahat3:00,我打算打飞机呢soIwasgonnajerkoff.不过也可以录下来ButIguessIcantapeit.你真是个好儿子Youreagoodson.嘿莎拉0h,hey,Sarah.嘿泰迪Hey,Ted.大♥麻♥生意还好吗Howsthepotbusiness?大&heart
4、s;麻♥花卖♥♥的The.crockpotbusiness还不错谢谢关心isdoingjustfine,thanks.莎拉你还没见过我表弟约翰吧Sarah,IdontthinkyouvemetmycousinJohn.嗨-嗨Hi.Hi.莎拉是布莱尔大学里的朋友SarahsBlaire,sfriendfromcollege.她去加利福尼亚的旅游♥行♥程取消了HertriptoCaliforniawascanceled,所以她圣诞节来和我们一起过soshesstayingwithusforChristmas.她是印度人儿Shes
5、Indian苏珊阿姨你AuntSuze,you-这个没必要说出来的youdonthavetosaythat.我不介意啊0h,Idon,tmind.莎拉不用告诉大家她是印度人儿Sarahshouldnthavetotellpeopleshe,sIndian.1射谢Thankyou.待在这儿多开心呢Arentyougladyoustayedforthis?工具来了Mm.OK,tools1射谢Oh,thankyou.给我的小帮手们Formylittleassistantshere.你要来说那个结肠造口袋笑话吗Doyouwanttomakethecolostomybagjoke,还是我来orshoul
6、dI?莎拉是我们的客人Well,Sarahistheguest.莎拉我们诚挚邀请你来开结肠造口袋的笑话Sarah,wouldyouliketomakethecolostomybagjoke?不用了谢谢mallgood.Thanks.约翰尼我需要你出来一下Johnny,Ineedyououtside.车道旁边有只浣熊冻死在冰里Theresaragcoonfrozenintheicenexttothedriveway.我得把他弄出来Igottochiphimoutofthere.你要我去干嘛呢Well,whatdoyouneedmefor?把敲碎的东西打包送给流浪汉Needyoutobagupth
7、epiecesforthehomeless.等等你是懒得走去垃圾桶了Wait,doyouonlygivestufftothehomeless就直接把东西扔给流浪汉吗whenyoudontwanttogotothedump?马蒂亲爱的这位是莎拉Matty,honey,thisisSarah,布莱尔的印度人儿朋友BlairesIndianfriend.苏珊阿姨你真的没必要加上国籍的AuntSuze,youreallydonthavetoaddthat.我吃过一次印度菜IhadIndianfoodonce.立马就上下贯通了Blewrightthroughme.我会把这事汇报给卜级的llpasstha
8、tonuptheladder.你想干嘛随意Dowhatyouwanttodo.我只是告诉你发生什么了mjusttellingyouwhathappened.约翰走吧Allright,John,letsgo.我在帮妈妈给饼干涂糖霜Well,actually,mhelpingMomfrostthecookies.待会儿再做呗Well,youcandothatlater.是她先要约翰帮忙的马蒂Sheaskedhimfirst,Matty.你排队等吧Youcanwaityourturn.你开玩笑吧Areyoukiddingme?我的老天啊我像你这么大时JesusChrist,whenIwasyoura
9、ge,我愿意倾尽一切只为了跟我爸一起去铲冰Iwouldhavekilledtoshovelicewithmydad.是啊我也能理解把一只浣熊砍成碎块Yeah,Icanseehowchoppingupadeadraccoon会是个父子亲密好时光wouldbeafathersonmemorymaker.你不来帮忙吗Soyourenotgonnahelp?还有好多饼干需要上糖霜呢老爸Well,1gotalotofcookiestofrost,Dad.这会儿你倒像个真的男人了Spokenlikearealman.你什么意思啊Whichmeanswhat?不不不用知道吗No,no,no,no,itsfi
10、ne.Youknowwhat?留在这儿和你的小姐♥妹♥们♥一起涂饼干吧Stayhereandfrostyourcookieswiththeladies.我们待会儿还能一起去看百老汇表演呢MaybewecangoseeaBroadwayshowafter.马蒂真的吗Oh,Matty,couldwe?你是想暗示约翰是基吗SoyourimplicationisthatJohnis,what,gay就因为他给饼干涂糖霜becausehe,sfrostingcookies?苏珊帮我说两句话啊Susan,helpmeouthere.看看啊1.ookatthat.这
11、是个拄着拐杖的小精灵吗Isthatanelfwithhisbigcandycane?不这是理发店的旋转条纹柱子小精灵刚剪了头发No,itsabarberpole.Theelfjustgotahaircut.我真喜欢Oh,Iloveit.马蒂快来看看小精灵刚剪的发型Oh,Matty,comelookattheelfshaircut.我的天哪Fuck,JesusChrist!你知道吗我比你少稍大一点的时候Youknow,whenIwasjustalittlebitolderthanyou,就已经去越南参战了IwasinVietnam.我有告诉过你吗有一次DidIevertellyouaboutth
12、etime我以为在战场上看到一个小丑IthoughtIsawaclowninafield但那只是个被开膛破肚的人butitwasjustaninside-outguy?好啊算了Knowwhat?Forgetit给你的基佬饼干上糖霜去吧Frostyourgaycookies.他刚刚是管你叫基佬Didhejustcallyougay然后生气的把围巾甩在肩上吗andthenangrilytosshisscarfoverhisshoulder?是啊Yup.或许他上下还没完全贯通Maybehesstillfiguringshitout.恐同者总是这样Well,itisalwaysthehomophobe
13、s.其实我一直都没明白这个词Youknow,Ineverunderstoodthatword.什么词-恐同Whatword?-,Homophobe.这是对同性恋者的偏见Itsprejudiceagainstgaypeople.我知道但是这词的意思不应该是Yeah,but,like,shouldntitmean,害怕同性恋的人吗like,scaredofgaypeople?我也一直在想这个Yeah,vealwayswonderedthattoo.其他恐什么的词不都指很害怕一件事吗1.ike,everyotherphobeis,like,scared.恐同就是有偏见的意思Thatiswhat,ho
14、mophobemeans.不不可是这不一样No,no,butit,s-itisdifferent,right?就像小魔煞（词意为蜘蛛恐惧症）电影里杰夫丹尼尔斯1.ike,inArachnophobia,JeffDaniels害怕蜘蛛是因为他觉得isscaredofspidersbecausehethinks蜘蛛可能会伤害他theyregonna,like,hurthim或者是会害死他什么的or,like,killhimorsomething.对啊这又不是说我害怕蜘蛛Yeah,itsnotlike,oh,mscaredofspiders是因为他们会把我变成蜘蛛causeIthinktheyreg
15、onnamakemeaspider或者蜘蛛们会接管学校ortheyregonnatakeovertheschool教我们蜘蛛知识andteachspiderstuff.闭嘴吧如果我是恐同者Stoptalking.-1mean,ifIwasahomophobe,难道不是该在街上看到一个同性恋就大叫啊基佬wouldn,tlseeagayguyandbelike,aah,agayguy!快跑啊Run!这熊整天都这么神神叨叨吗Isthebearalwayslikethis?真抱歉msosorry.我压根也没跑多远啊Didn,tevenrunthatfar.所以宝莱坞So.Bollywood,是你们搞出
16、来的吗isthatyouguys?快走吧马蒂去教堂要迟到了Comeon,Matty,weregonnabelateforchurch.不我今天不去了No,mtakingtheweekoff.爱国者队正和水牛城队对战呢PatsareplayingBuffalo.但这是圣诞前夜之前最后一次主日崇拜啊ButitsthelastSundayservicebeforeChristmasEve.奥德尔神父说了要是你不AndFatherOdellsaysthatifyoudont和上帝保持联♥系♥cultivatearelationshipwithGod,你就要下地狱了youre
17、goingtohell.下地狱也比听他布道好Cantbeworsethanoneofhissermons.要是他那么无聊Well,ifhesthatboring,波士顿环球报焦点小组thenwhyistheBostonGlobeSpotlightTeam干嘛要对他做一篇大型报道呢doingabigstoryonhim?马蒂今天苏珊会做唱诗班独唱MattySusanhasachoirsolotoday.下次我再去呗我保证llbeatthenextone,allright?Ipromise.我的老天爷啊也就45分钟Jesus,its45fuckingminutes.你就不能为她去一趟吗Youcan
18、tdothisforher?哎呦没事的Oh,itsallright.他一周都在努力工作Heworkshardallweek要是想在周日好好休息就随他去吧IfhewantstorestonaSunday,lethimrest.上帝也会容许的ItswhattheLorddid.不这怎么会没事No,itsnotallright,though.他简直自私透顶Hesactinglikeaselfishjerk.我自私mselfish?你给我等等Waitaminute.我一周工作60个小时Iwork60hoursaweek你们才有钱在冰箱里sothatyouguyscanhaveafridge塞满了速冻华
19、夫饼和芬达fullofEggosandFanta.他说的对He,sright.我们的确太过安心享受芬达了WedotaketheFantaforgranted.给你妈-谢谢亲爰的Hereyougo,Mom.-Oh,thankyou,sweetie.那是什么Yeah.Hey,what,sthat?为儿童礼物征集活动准备的玩具Oh,itsthetoysfortheToysforTotsgiftdrive.那是自卸卡车丹尼斯ThatsDennisthedumptruck.你不能把它送出去Youcantgivehimaway.可这已经在地下室放了多少年了Well,itsbeeninourbasement
20、foryears.是啊但这是我H小就拥右的玩具Yeah,butIvehadhimsinceIwasakid.这对我来说意义重大Thatmeansalottome.你给自卸卡车起名叫丹尼斯YounamedyourdumptruckDennis?你没资格说出我的卡车的名字Keepmytrucksnameoutyourmouth.亲爰的可你已经不玩了Oh,honey,butyouneverplaywithit.那那我就Well-well,mgonna-我就开始玩mgonnastartplayingwithhim.你都50岁的糟老头子了Oh,youregonnastartplayingwithitno
21、w要开始玩这个吗atfucking50?是啊我就是要Yes,mgonna我就是要整天玩它mgonnastartplayingwithhimallthetime.就从现在起看Startingrightnow.See?嗡嗡嗡Vroom,vroom.我们开着车送去了泥炭苔Oh,yeah,we11deliverthatpeatmoss.我们会的嗡嗡Yeah,wewilllVroom.看上去好有意思啊-对啊我们能玩吗Hey,thatlooksfun.-Yeah,canweplay?不行奥No.Aw.嗡嗡Vroom,vroom.现在这是什么情况Whatthefuckishappening?嗡Vroom.你
22、怎么还在这儿Whyareyoustillhere?她的航♥班♥取消了Herflightwascanceled,所以她留在这儿和我们一起过圣诞节soshesstayingwithusforChristmas.你给我等等Hangonasecond.我们一整个圣诞节家里都有客人Wegotcompanyhereforthewholeholidays你们都没想过要来问问我吗andnobodyevenaskedme?要是有问题的话我可以另找地方Icanfindsomewhereelsetostayifitsaproblem.不用真的不用No.Please,no.不当然不行No.
23、Absolutelynot.苏珊说了可以的别管他Susansaiditsfine.Dontworryabouthim.等等我在自己家都没有一点发言权吗What,Idontgetasayinmyownhouse?马蒂你这样有点Oh,Matty,Ithinkyourebeing小题大做了alittlesillyaboutthis.这个家里从来都没人把我当回事Nobodyevertakesmysideinthishouseever!从来都是我一人对抗所有人Itsalwaysmeagainsteverybodyelse.或许等你不总是Well,maybesomebodywouldtakeyoursid
24、e在家里乱发脾气的时候ifyouweren,talwaysspreadingyourshittymood大家就会支持你了-好啊alloverthehouse.-Fine!你的朋友可以在这里住一个星期Yourfriendcanstayfortheweek去教堂玩吧看到了吗我好了Gohavefunatchurch.See?Imnice.非常感谢你吝啬鬼先生Thankyousomuch,Mr.Scrooge.愿上帝保佑我们每一个人AndGodblessus,everyone.好吧至少吝啬鬼是个好商人Well,atleastScroogewasagoodbusinessman.是啊小蒂姆的病之前就已经
25、存在了Yeah,andTinyTimsconditionwaspreexisting.吝啬鬼不应该为他治病买♥♥单Scroogeshouldnthavetocoverit.没错-我能玩卡车吗Exactly!CanIplaywiththetruck?不能噢No.Aw.J平安夜JjSilentnightJJ圣善夜JJ1Holynight/J真宁静JJAIliscalm?J真光明JJAniSbrightJ）圣光环绕JJRoundyonvirginJJ圣母圣婴）?Motherandchild/J圣婴JJHolyinfant.J柔嫩又温柔JJSotenderandmildJ等
26、等谁会说婴儿柔嫩又温柔的Wait,whodescribesaninfantasmild?我觉得柔嫩就很离谱了Yeah,mmorehungupontender.是啊显然有人要吃这孩子Yeah,somebodyseatingthisbaby.J安宁AJPeace/）天堂般的睡眠JJ1Sleepinheavenly?J安宁JJPeaceJ,感谢合唱团Thankyoutothechoir和苏珊本内特精彩的独唱andtoSusanBennettforthatwonderfulsolo.马蒂在哪儿WheresMatty?哦他今天不舒服Oh,hewasntfeelingwelltoday.重要的是我们要记住
27、Itsimportantthatwerememberjustwhy我们为什么庆祝圣诞节wecelebrateChristmas.我们谨守这最神圣的日子Weobservetheholiestofalldays以耶稣基♥督♥诞生的荣耀为乐torejoiceinthegloryofthebirthofJesusChrist,他不是从人的后裔而生bornnotfromtheseedofman而是从神的起源而生butfromdivineorigin.我们这些上帝的孩子Neverbeforeorsincehavewe,Godschildren,从来没有受过这样的奇迹的祝福bee
28、nblessedbysuchamiracle.打扰一下Excuseme.是的这里Yeah,overhere.嗨泰迪我是本地熊Hi.Ted,localbear.你说的是一个不知从哪儿Youretalkingaboutaguywhocamealive冒出来的活人对吧outofnowhere,right?对我就是啊Yeah,me.你说什么msorry?我只是说他不是唯一一个mjustsaying,hesnottheonlyone.我觉得这不一样Idontthinkthatsthesamething.你说过之前和之后都没有Well,yousaid,neverbeforeorsince.但是你知道吧你看
29、我But.Youknow,thisguy.基♥督♥的诞生是上天的奇迹ThebirthofChristwasaheavenlymiracle.你觉得我这叫什么Imean,whatdoyoucallthis?我是说我没看到任何胖胖狗1mean,IdontseeanyPoundPuppies或蒙奇奇玩偶成精了到处走orMonchhichiswalkingaround.基♥督♥的诞生显然是上帝命定的ChristsbirthwasclearlyordainedbyGod,以伯利恒之星为标志markedbythestarofBethlehem,这颗星
30、是天上的一盏神奇的灯塔amiraculousbeaconfromtheheavens.当时确实有颗星星有颗星星对吧Therewasastarthere.-Therewasastar,right?不那是一颗流星Yeah,no,itwasashootingstar.我也有一颗星星是的Ihadastar.-Yeah.耶稣有一个神圣的使命)esushadadivinepurpose.上帝派他来传扬他爱我们的信息GodsenthimtoustospreadthewordthatHelovesus.我爱你Iloveyou.你继续说啊塔克修士Yourmove,FriarTuck.我只想把布道讲完Ijustw
31、anttofinishthesermon.我只是想说我可能是耶稣mjustsaying,ImightbeJesus.可能是我不敢肯定Might.mnotsayingforsure.我只是说有这种可能性mjustsayingit,sapossibility.我可能是耶稣ImightbeJesus.这太不尊重人了Thatisincrediblydisrespectful.吃婴儿的人还好意思说我不尊重人Saystheguyeatingbabies.第三和第十Sothirdand10.来了Therehegoes.该死的爱国者队FuckingPatriots!你看到了吗丹尼斯Youseethat,Den
32、nis?为什么我不能出生在水牛城WhycouldntIhavebeenborninBuffalo?我每年都会赢的dbewinningeveryyear.天呐水牛城什么都有God!Buffalohasitall.今年让我们给圣诞老人留点特别的东西吧1.etsleavesomethingspecialforSantathisyear:果冻布丁棒棒糖Jell-0PuddingPops!好耶children:Yay!圣诞老人会喜欢的Santasgonnaloveit.果冻布丁棒棒糖祝你节口快乐HappyholidaysfromJell-0PuddingPops!我打赌比尔考斯比圣诞节过得不错BetBi
33、llCosby,shavingagoodChristmas.他肯定不用面对一群女人Bethedoesn,thavetodealwithabunchofwomen骂他是个混♥蛋♥tellinghimhe,sajerk.你知道过去是这样的一家之主说出他想说的Youknow,usedtobe,themanofthehousesaidhispiece,大家就都听他的everybodyjustfellinline.现在这里就像杰瑞斯宾格秀NowitslikefuckingJerrySpringerinhere.如果你能说话肯定会站在我这边Betifyoucouldtalk,y
34、oudtakemyside.再来一杯啤酒马蒂这是你应得的Haveanotherbeer,Matty.Youveearnedit.谢谢你丹尼斯Ah,well,thanks,Dennis.我想我会的IthinkIwill还有把袜子脱了马蒂And-and-andtakeyoursocksoff,Matty.我不介意你脚上的味道Idontmindthesmellofyourfeet因为我知道那不是你能控制的becauseIknowthat,snotsomethingyoucancontrol.我很感激你的理解丹尼斯Well,Iappreciatethat,Dennis.谢谢谢谢Thankyou.Tha
35、nkyou.嘿马蒂什么Hey,Matty.Yeah?难道不应该设立一个白人历史月吗ShouldnttherebeaWhiteHistoryMonthtoo?丹尼斯这是你说的啊不是我Well,Dennis,yousaidit,notme.这牙线用得真爽Thatwasahellofafloss.没有什么比把脏东西Nothingfeelsbetterthangettingstuff清理出来更爽的了对吧outofplaces,right?如果你想摸摸我脖子上的内生毛1.etmeknowwhenyouwanttotakearun记得告诉我atthatingrownhaironmyneck.你还是不理我吗
36、AmIstillgettingthesilenttreatment?听着我已经说过很抱歉错过了你的独唱1.ook,IalreadysaidmsorryImissedyoursolo.你知道我不能坐在木头椅子上YouknowIcantsitonwood.那样会加重我的痔疮Itaggravatesmyhemorrhoids.所以我得痔疮也是我的错对吧Oh,somyhemorrhoidsaremyfault,too,1guess,huh?那儿又不是邮局苏珊Itaintthepostofficedownthere,Susan.这些东西又不会自己跑过来Thisstuffdoesntjustshowupo
37、nitsown.这是有原因的Thereseffortinvolved.也许可以买♥♥一个那种甜甜圈枕头Mightgetoneofthoseoneofthosedoughnutpillows.不你知道吗No.Youknowwhat?你没资格听Youdontgettohearaboutit.嘿Hey!是你许愿我成精的傻♥逼♥Youwishedmetolife,fuckfacel这到底是怎么发生的Howthehelldidthishappen?就像泰迪一样JustlikeithappenedwithTed.我看着窗外Iwaslookingout
38、thewindow.流星飞过Shootingstarfliesby.我许了个愿Imadeawish.然后我就活了AndhereIam.这房♥子是被诅咒了吗Isthishousecursed?苏珊我能在这里抽烟吗Hey,Susan,canIsmokeinhere?如果他抽我也抽Ifhesmokes,Igettosmoke.对不起丹尼斯如果我让你抽烟msorry,Dennis,ifIletyousmoke,我就得让所有的玩具都抽烟llhavetoletallthetoyssmoke.是啊该死Yeah,fuck.我能问你件事吗Hey,canIaskyousomething?你当时什么感
39、觉Howdiditfeelforyou?嗯前一分秒什么都没有Yeah,oneminute,nothing.下一秒我就能说话了Thenext,Icantalk.那之后你有Wasthereafeelinglikeacidreflux,胃酸倒流的感觉吗like,rightafter?有的特别难受那种Oh,yeah,bad.我还想尿尿但我尿不出来ItalsofeltlikeIhadtopee,butIcouldnt.是的我也一样Yup.Samehere.这一定是玩具成精后的必定要经历的Mustbewhathappenswhentoyscometolife.所以你是许愿你的卡车能活过来嘛Soyoujus
40、twishedforyourtrucktocomealive?不完全是Notexactly.我是许愿家里有人Iwishedtherewassomeoneinthehouse能在争吵时支持我who,dbackmeupinanargument.接下来我就可以动了NextthingIknow,Icouldmove我还恨透了那些该死的北方佬andIhatedthefuckingYankees.我想这是个圣诞奇迹Well,IguessitsaChristmasmiracle.那这里是发生过谋杀案吗So,like,weretheremurdershere?比如坟墓被亵渎过什么的吗1.ike,wasagra
41、vedesecrated?天啊看这个看看这个JesusChrislookatthis.Lookatthis.他们在给科技工作者发放免费签证Theyregivingfreevisastotechworkers.哦该死他们来了Oh,fuckingA.They,recoming.哪们移♥民♥Who?-Immigrants.哦看在上帝的份上真的吗他也这样Oh,forfuck,ssake.Really?Himtoo?是啊那些挚爱平权法案的蠢货们Yeah,thoseaffirmativeactionbozos肯定高兴得跳起来了areprobablyjumpingforjoy.那
42、可不就是他们抢走了所有的工作Noshit,watchingthemtakeallthegoddamnjobs.你知道平权法案Youdoknowaffirmativeaction不是要剥夺什么对吧isntabouttakingthingsaway,right?重点是包容It,saboutincludingpeople那些被歧视的人who,vebeendiscriminatedagainst.哦别这样Oh,comeon!又来了又来了Oh,herewegoagainwiththisagain.真是一派胡言Whatabunchofbullshit.所以你是说我们应该根据人们的肤色Soyouresayi
43、ngweshouldgivepeoplejobs给他们提供工作basedonthecoloroftheirskin.我是说几个世纪以来世界一直是不平等的msayingthatthingshavebeenunequalforcenturies我们应该平衡一下这种不平等andweshouldbalancethescales.所以没错Soyeah.好吧你看这是种族歧视OK,see,now,thatsracist是你在捍卫白人Youretheonewhosdefending主导的劳动市场awhite-dominatedworkforce.嘿我可不管它们是紫色Hey,Idontcareiftheyrep
44、urple,绿人还是橙人好吗green,ororange,allright?我只是不想要黑人棕人或黄人的IjustdontwantthemBlack,brown,oryellow.天呐老兄你认真的吗-天呐老兄Oh,myGod,dude,really?Whoa,Jesus,dude,得了吧这他妈是个玩笑放松点Comeon,itsafuckingjoke.Relax.好的看我就是个棕人OK,look,brownpersonoverhere.我告诉你我的父母从印度搬到这里JustFYI,myparentsmovedherefromIndia,他们犯l♥立♥建立了一个非常andtheybuiltaverysuccessfulbusiness成功的企业allontheirown.他们必须付出双倍努力才能做到这一点Andtheyhadtoworktwiceashardtodoit.企业家好吧好Businessowners.Allright.OK.你父母投票给克&hearts琳♥顿♥还是布♥什♥YourparentsvoteforClintonorBush?我是说他们投了布♥什♥的票但我Well,Im
