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1、木偶新知（劳伦凯斯宾声音恶心）（无结果）这里是双关blow有吹♥箫♥的意思blowChUnkS指呕吐（我是劳伦凯斯宾）（美国国家公共广播电台大明星）（死坏蛋）（真没搞懂怎么就突然到了这一步）（好像就在24小时前）（好吧可能有一些人在呕吐?）（然后突然一个人在骂我的时候死掉了）（我喝多了顺势疗法的茶）（医生说那不是真的）（再见）在我离世之季BeforeIleavethisEarth,我把这条羽毛围巾送给你Iwantyoutohavethisfeatherboa.我80年代的一个嫖♥客♥曾经想用它来掐死我Oneofmyjohnsfromthe
2、80susedtochokemeoutwithit.他曾经把我打得半死Heusedtokicktheshitoutofme.谢谢你Thankyou.桑迪告诉你他快没命了吗DidSandytellyouhesdying?布朗纳医生诊断他患上了安德森库派病Dr.BronnerdiagnosedhimwithAndersonCoo-pie-is.安德斯施密特外阴炎AndersSchmidtVulvitis.我到晚期了I-it,sterminal.桑迪我跟你说过的Sandy,wevebeenoverthis.布朗纳博士公♥司♥是一家受人追捧的肥皂公♥司&hea
3、rts;Dr.Bronnersisacult-ysoapcompany.他不是真正的医生Hesnotanactualphysician.每次我给客服部发邮件Well,everytime1emailcustomerservice描述我的症状都会收到诊断结果withmysymptoms,Ialwaysreceiveadiagnosis.卡尔这个飞盘送给你Carl,Iwantyoutohavethisfrisbee它以前是沙汗沙汗的thatoncebelongedtoSirhanSirhan.我不要No,thanks.希望我永远不知道是谁伤门尔的心JIhopeIneverfigureoutwhobr
4、okeyourheartJ也许如果我JMaybeifIdo-J,早上好各位Goodmorning,everyone.哇劳伦早上来了-发吗Whoa,didLaurengetmorningsex?蔡斯问我这个就是犯罪Chase,askingmethatisacrime.我开心是因为今天Thissmileisbecausetoday,我要采访我的梦中嘉宾了Iaminterviewingmydreamguests.整夜辗转反侧JSpendallnightlosingsleepJ靠Oh,fuck.靠Fuck.靠Fuck.怎么了费比安Whatisit,Fabian?人们发推特说劳伦的声音Peopleare
5、tweetingthatLaurensvoice让他们感到恶心ismakingthemsick.你在说什么呢Whatareyoutalkingabout?劳伦凯斯宾的声音让我吐了我一车LaurenCaspiansvoicemademespewallovermycar.可能今天的节目要取消Wemighthavetocanceltodaysshow.不Oh,no.这个帖子就两个点赞Thisposthastwolikes.一个是发帖人另一个就是你Onebytheposterandtheotherbyyou.你非要等一个话题成为热门Oh,soatopichastobetrendingbefore才开始
6、担心吗木鱼脑袋youllworryyourlittle,graybeanaboutit,beanhead?费比安今天不是你Fabian,todayisnotagoodtime进行错误征讨的好时机foroneofyourmisbegottencrusades.你说哪一次我的正义之举Nameoneofmyjusticeactions不是对的thatyoufoundmisbegotten.有一次你让沃尔格林取消“红鼻子慈善日”YoudidtrytogetWalgreenstocancelRedNoseDay因为你说它轻视了酒糟鼻becauseittrivializednasalrosacea.听着这
7、很重要1.isten,thisisimportant.一条推特可能只是冰山一角Onetweetcouldbejustthetipoftheiceberg.万一劳伦的声音WhatifLaurensvoice让成百上千的人恶心ismakingthousandsofpeoplesick,可是他们不敢指出来呢buttheyretooafraidtocomeforward?费比安你太荒唐了Oh,Fabian.Yourebeingridiculous.也许你说得对Maybeyoureright.也许我就是一个危言耸听的疯子Maybemjustanothershrilbridiculousbitch.也许我
8、应该吃一片镇定剂Ishouldprobably,what,like,takeachillpill?厌女症医生多多微笑Huh,DoctorMisogyn-berg?Smilemore?可能我会多一大堆朋友dprobablyhaveahellofalotmorefriends!话说回来我不确定自己Butthenagain.ImnotsureIreally想和那些无视恶心的人做朋友wanttobefriendswithpeoplewhoignorethenauseous.如果你们稍微有点良心发现Ifanyofyallregrowyourmicro-consciences,你们知道在哪里找我youll
9、knowwheretofindme.我会为那些不被人相信的人Iwillbetheonefightingforthepeople抗争到底的nooneelsebelieves.有谁得了安德斯施密特外阴炎的告诉我一声1.etmeknowifanyofthemhasAndersSchmidtVulvitis.桑迪没有这种病Sandy,thatsnotreal.等等你的梦中嘉宾是谁劳伦Sowait.Whosyourdreamguest,Lauren?我的天哪Oh,mydearboy.音乐史上最伟大的二人组合Onlythegreatestmusicalduoofalltime.靠Oh,shit.你要采访阴
10、阳双煞吗YoureinterviewingtheYingYangTwins?不是没听过他们No,notfamiliar.要是她们有勇气敢出柜ThesetwoarelikeSimonandGarfunkel这两个人就像西蒙和加芬克尔iftheyhadthecouragetobelesbians.泰根和莎拉说她们已经准备好等劳伦来了TeganandSarasaytheyrereadyforLauren.偶滴神Holyfuckingshit!她们知道我名字Theyknowmyname!如果音乐是灵魂的食物Ifmusicisfoodforthesoul,我们接下来的嘉宾就犹如天使般的点心师ournex
11、tguestsareangelicconfectioners.这对挛生天才道出了世界各地Thesetwingeniuseshavevoicedtheangstofyouth年轻人的焦虑allovertheworld.我不仅是盟友还是超级粉丝AndIamnotjustanally,Iamalsoasuperfan.泰根和莎拉欢迎来木偶新知TeganandSara,welcometoInTheKnow.你介绍的真好Whatawonderfulintroductionthatwas.这可能是我们收到的最友善Thatwasmaybeoneofthenicest,最热情最真挚的介绍mostenthusi
12、astic,genuineintroductionsweveeverhad.好了打起精神来劳伦Okay.Getittogether,Lauren.在绅士季刊的一篇文章里你说InaGQarticle,yousaidthat要是你唯一的里程碑是iftheonlymilestoneyouachieved接受了特里格罗斯的采访你都会无比激动wasaTerryGrossinterview,youwouldbethrilled.你觉得我公共广播的同事Whatisitaboutmypublicradiocolleague哪一点吸引了你thatyoufindsoappealing?我觉得关键是我感觉被Ithi
13、nkthatthekeyisthatIfeelvery.倾听了-嗯Heard.-Mm.当她倾听的时候Whenshe,slistening.那不是Andthatsnotthat-很多人甚至都不听你在说什么Alotofpeoplewontevenlistentowhatyouresaying.对他们打断你Yeah.They,like,interruptyou或者-对经常这样orthey-Yes,thathappensalot.我发现尤其是那些直男Anditsparticularlywithstraightmen,vefound.对Yeah.要插一句话都很难知道吗Itsveryhardtoeveng
14、etawordinedgewise,youknow?太太真实了Itsso-Itssotrue.不知道你们有没有经历过Idontknowifyouveeverexperiencedthatbefore,不过这种事确有发生很遗憾butthatissomethingthatdoeshappen,sadly.对Yep.不要Anditsnotjust-受任何人的心理暗示影响Dontletanyonegaslightyouaboutit因为这种事天天都在发生becauseithappensallday,everyday.的确Itdoeshappen.真的一直都有Itliterallyhappensallt
15、hetime.我觉得他们可能并不是故意这样Idonteventhinktheymeantodoit.保持清醒醒醒吧伙计Well,staywoke.Wakeup,men.关于特里格罗斯Now,inregardtoTerryGross,不幸的是那都是演戏unfortunately,thatisallanact.她冷若冰霜一窍不通Shescoldasanicicleanddumbasrocks.我们叫她“真恶心”WecallherVeryGross.你要是见过她的猫Andifyouveeverseenhereat,就知道我这话什么意思了youknowwhatmtalkingabout.牧场沙拉酱似乎
16、就像夏夜的记忆一样Ranchdressingseemstolingeronherlips在她的嘴唇上挥之不去likeamemoryonasummernight.我认为她是公共广播界的女大佬Iconsiderherthemarmofpublicradio,我一般不会轻易用到这个词andIdontthrowthattermaroundlightly.劳伦告诉我我才是公共广播界的大佬1.aurentoldmeIwasthemarmofpublicradio.说你是橘子酱还差不多Morelikemarmalade.甜而不腻Sweetbutsophisticated.谢谢Thankyou.橘子酱是果冻类
17、水果中的翘楚Marmaladeisthequeenofjelliedfruits.卡尔Oh,Carl!我整晚都在喝散叶茶JIspentallnight,looseleafteaJ我旋转香蕉丢掉哑剧JIspinbanana,losemymimeJ当我转动香蕉丢掉哑剧JWhileIspinbanana,losemymimeJ这首歌♥一直是我的最爱Thatsongisoneofmyall-timefavorites.起居室是我写的LivingRoom.Iwrotethat.你说我转动香蕉丢掉哑剧Andwhatdidyoumeanwhenyousaid这句是什么意思Ispinbanana
18、,losemymime?我写的一句歌♥词谁在平呢Uh,thelyricIwrote,butwhocares.这不重要1.ike,doesntmatter.整晚放松我的思绪Isspendallnightandlosemymind.作为一个非插入式的无性恋者Well,myunderstanding,asasapiosexual,我的理解是non-penetrative,假如我转动我的香蕉wasifIweretospinmybanana,我觉得这是在比喻H♥慰♥whichIassumedwasametaphorformasturbation,那我就会丢掉声音
19、then1wouldlosemymime,这是象征性比喻而不是真的触摸式行为whichismoreaboutsymbolicthanactualtouch.这样说得通吗Doesthatmakesense?嗯说得很好Yeah,itsbeautiful.太好了真让人吃惊Thatsgreat.-Thatsastonishing.如果你转动你的香蕉Yes,ifyouspinyourbanana,你就不再演哑剧了yourenolongeramime.你就像是参加夏令营的饥渴小变♥态♥Yourejustanotherhorny,littlefreakatsummercamp把自
20、己的睡袋都弄脏befoulinghissleepingbag.拜托Comeon,people.我知道肯定有人Iknowyoureoutthere.让我来帮你1.etmehelpyou.嗨费比安你还好吗Hi,Fabian.Areyoudoingokay?听我说你一直支持弱势群体1.ook,itswonderfulthatyourealwayssoeager这一点很好tochampionmarginalizedgroups,可是but有情况Somethingshappening.我最近停止了心理咨♥询♥Istoppedtherapyrecently因为我的咨&heart
21、s;询&hearts顺没通知我一声就换;办公室becausemytherapistchangedofficeswithouttellingme.这太伤害我了Andthatwasparticularlytraumatic,因为我刚出生我妈就抛弃了我becausemymotherghostedmeminutesaftermyownbirth.医生说他从来没见过哪个女人刚生完孩子Thedoctorsaidhedneverseenawomaninhercondition就跑那么快的runsofast.你还好吗Youokay?有件事我一直想不明白Now,heressomethingvebeenwonde
22、ringabout.假如我们都被困在荒岛KIfwewereallstrandedonadesertisland,你觉得我们会以什么为食whatdoyouthinkwewouldalleat?我能不能休息一下我Yeah,IfeellikeifIjusthadabreak,I-我我觉得恶心I-Ijust-1-mfeelingnauseous.可能是紧张所致Mm.Itsprobablynerves.你们俩个哪个是大众万人迷Now,whichoneofyouistheheartthrob,哪个是花心大萝卜andwhichoneofyouisthesluttygenius?她恶心了Shesgetting
23、sick.在直播中Onair.这就是我那些沉默的受难者们Thisistheproofmysilentsufferers一直等待的证据havebeenwaitingfor!费比安先别急着But,Fabian,letsnotjumpto拜托别说话了Pleasestoptalking.我女朋友也叫劳伦Mygirlfriend,alsonamedLauren,长得跟我很像拜托拜托looksalotlikeme.-Please,please这样能说我是Now,doesthatmakeme同卵双胞胎女同性恋吗anhonoraryidenticaltwinlesbian?抱歉我不能继续广msosorry.I
24、cantdothis.什么不要What?No.很高兴见到你劳伦Greattomeetyou,Lauren.祝你好运不不不Bestofluck.-No,no,no.拜托拜托不要走Please,please,please,please.拜托Please.我们不能确定就是劳伦的声音让泰根感到恶心WedontknowthatLauren,svoicemadeTegansick.也不能排除这个原因Wedontknowthatitdidnt.我们需要调查清楚Itneedstobeinvestigated.木偶新知让我厌烦是什么东西Whats#InTheKnowMakesMeBlow?是我创建的一个不和谐群
25、ItsaDiscordgroupIcreated.费比安你不觉得Fabian,dontyouthink你在夸大事实吗youreblowingthiswholethingoutofproportion?当劳伦用那他声音Irefusetobesilent吓坏美国大众时我拒绝沉默whileLaurenterrorizesAmericawithhiswetvowels.他们提前下播了Theycutitshort.劳伦我真遗憾Oh,Lauren,msosorry.我猜泰根还是莎拉出现月经痉挛TeganorSarahadwhatIassumeweremoontimecramps.奇怪的是她们俩没有同时发作
26、Butit,soddthatTeganorSaradidnthavethemtoo她们的经期应该同步才对becausetheircyclesmustbesynced.除非有一个怀孕了Unlessoneofthemispregnant.怀着双胞胎Withtwins.劳伦那不是经期痉挛1.auren,itwasntmoontimecramps.是你声音引起的Itwasyourvoice.荒谬.Absurd.还有假如我是说假如Also,itandImeanif这事跟我的声音有关myvoicehadanythingtodowithit,那也是因为卡尔的古董机器itsbecauseofCarlsanti
27、quemachinery.打住Stoprightthere!那可是雅马哈TF3调音台ThatsaYamahaTF3console.它有48个通道25个电动推杆Ithas48channels,25motorizedfaders,和8个特效处理器andeightFXprocessors.如果真有上帝她都会通过这个麦克风来说话IfthereisaGod,shemicsupthroughthat.那不然你怎么解释Well,thenhowelsedoyouexplainit?卡尔加里的女王们让我感到苏格拉底式的忧郁TheQueensofCalgaryjustleftmewithSocraticblueb
28、alls.人数壮大了Oh,thecommunitygrows.现在有五个勇敢的受害者Therearenowfivecourageousvictims使用木偶新知让我厌烦这个话题usingthehashtag#InTheKnowMakesMeBlow.大家好Hello.我们在这里派对吗Wepartyingupinhere?不是是讨论呕吐No,likeblowchunks.说个故事有一次我给一个IblewaguynamedChunksonce.叫大块头的吹♥萧♥Justforthestory.结果我们来了一发Weendedupfallinginfuckinglove.劳
29、伦你的声音没什么问题1.auren,theresnothingwrongwithyourvoice.如果有人感到不适他们完全可以不听Andifitmakesanyonesick,theycanjustnottunein.真的吗Really?你能告诉一个坐轮椅的人Wouldyoutellapersonwhousesawheelchair不进没有坡道的建筑吗tojustnotenterabuildingwithoutramps?你猜怎么着Well,guesswhat?那栋楼就是他们的家Thatbuildingistheirhouse.靠不是吧Oh,shit.Forreal?听着这18分钟的工作我们
30、都挺累的1.isten,weveallhadalongfirst18minutesofwork.知道吗Youknowwhat?推特里全是俄♥罗&hearts撕♥的机器人回复TwitterisanechochamberofRussianbots.我们跟听众直播连线1.etsgolivetothelisteners问问他们对我的声音有什么感受andaskthemwhattheythinkofmyvoice.劳伦我觉得没这个必要Oh,Lauren,Ireallydontthinkthatsnecessary.下午好听众朋友们Goodafternoon,folks.一些网络
31、水军声称Someinternettrollshaveclaimed我的声音让人恶心thatmyvoicecausesnausea.如果你或你亲属受到Ifyouorafamilymemberhasbeenavictim劳伦凯斯宾声音的毒害OfLaurenCaspianssoundpoisoning,请你们马上打进电♥话♥pleasecallinnow.勇敢地用你的声音让他闭嘴Useyourvoicetobravelysilencehis.我们想收到你们的回复亲爱的粉丝朋友们Wewanttohearfromyou,ourbelovedfans.你好Hello,calle
32、r.现在是直播连线-嗨Youreontheair.-Um,hi.我是来自斯塔顿岛的达里尔Myname,sDarrylfromStatenIsland.那个岛叫斯塔顿Ah.TheislandthatisStaten.对关于你的声音没让我感到恶心Yeah,soaboutyourvoice,itdoesntmakemesick.谢谢你达里尔Thankyou,Darryl.但是让我很不爽Butitdoespissmeoff!你说什么Ibegpardon?那种装腔作势奇怪的停顿Itspretentious,theweirdpauses.那个岛叫斯塔顿TheislandthatisStaten.,r声音就
33、像是带了绿帽子的威廉夏特纳YousoundlikeacuckWilliamShatner.我不确定你此话何意m-mnotsureIknowwhatyoumean.你看你又那样There!Youdiditagain.我吐Barf!向权力说真话Speakingtruthtopower.靠Fuck,man.大块头Chunks.看来我还真想念他IguessIstillreallymisshim.下一位您的电♥话♥已接通Next.Youreon.嗨第一次听节目经常打电♥话♥Hi,firsttimelistener,longtimecaller.你不
34、说我还没注意到Ididntrealizeittillyousaidit,不过你的声音的确让我不舒服butyourvoicedoeskindofmakemefeelill.好吧不过肯定Okay.Butmsure-说含蓄点Thinksubtle.就像是一个生气的小孩朝我挥拳1.ike,asmallbutveryangrychildpunchedme直接打到我肚子上-再见straightinthebelly-Goodbye.或者你让爱的人失望Orthatfeelingwhenyouvedisappointedalovedone或者必须赶紧去拉屎那种感觉oryouhavetotakeaterrible
35、crap.不过这些应该都不一样Butthoseshouldfeeldifferent.下一位Next.嗨我打通了吗-嗯Hi.AmIon?-Mm-hmm.你听说过劳伦凯斯宾挑战吗HaveyouheardoftheLaurenCaspianchallenge?当然Ofcourse.我们电台主办的慈善舞蹈比赛Ourstation-sponsoredcharitydancecompetition.不是不是我说的是我在抖音上Oh,no,no,no,no,it,sthisthingIstartedonTikTok发起的挑战喝半加仑牛奶whereyoudrinkhalfagallonofmilk看你能坚持听
36、劳伦的声音多久andyouseehowlongyoucanlistentoyourvoice不会吐-什么withoutralphing.-What?说实话我都不敢信Honestly,1cantbelieve跟你说了这么久话thatvebeentalkingtoyouthislong我都还没without-人们的声音被听到了Thepeoplehavebeenheard.恐怕现在已经关闭热♥线♥了Andmafraidourlinesarenowclosed.你好Hello.我打通了吗AmIon?不是吧代尔Seriously,Carl?抱歉最后一通Sorry,laston
37、e.凯斯宾先生我是来自温尼伯的苏珊Mr.Caspian,thisisSusanfromWinnipegagain.好我的声音让你想注射漂白剂Yeah.Andmyvoicemakesyouwanttoinjectbleach.当然不是Oh,heavensno.我们温尼伯的人喜欢你的声音WehereinWinnipegloveyourvoice.真的吗Really?我能问问他们都喜欢哪一点吗MayIaskwhatWinnipeggerslikeaboutit?嗯平静平静Oh,um,well,itssmooth.-Smooth.还非常Andvery.适中Medium.有点性感Andsortofsex
38、y.苏珊恕我冒昧回敬你一句Susan,ifIcouldbesoboldastoreturnthecomplement,你的声音也很性感youhaveaverysexyvoiceyourself.变♥态♥你在跟芭芭拉说话Hey,pervert,youretalkingtoBarb.不是你没有No,yourenot.巴巴拉Barb!这卜.我要呕吐了NowIneedtogothrowup.我发现午餐是我的打底胶Thelunch1findismybaselayer,不过我加了自己的装饰butthenIaddmyownlittleflourishes让它回复生机tobring
39、ittolife.感谢你在离世之前传授你的人生智慧Thankyouforpassingonyourwisdombeforeyoudie.你没事吧劳伦Youokay,Lauren?我刚经历了一场现代的公开石刑Ijustsurvivedamodern-daypublicstoning.我理解伙计Igetit,man.我经常让人们感到恶心Imakepeoplesickallthetime.有一次在洛基恐怖秀上Ionceaccidentallydistributedasbestoscigarettes我不小心派发了石棉香烟ataRockyHorrorPictureShow.提前让他们见了上帝Theyd
40、idthetimewarpforever.很快我也会的Andsoon,sowillI.我该怎么办我的声音就是一切WhatamIgoingtodo?Myvoiceiseverything.兄弟海绵宝宝的帕特里克声音也很奇怪Dude,PatrickfromSpongeBobhasaweirdvoice,他是最性感的男人之一andhe,soneofthehottestmenalive.这是我的紧急情况Thisismynine/11.测试Testing.测试一二Testingone,two.声音没问题桑迪Soundsgood,Sandy.电影达人们节FI快乐Seasonsgreetings,movie
41、mavens.本周我将为您推荐几部炙手可热的新片Thisweek,mdivingintosomescaldinghotnewreleases.第一部教父又名哈欠之父Firstup,theGodfather,AKATheYawnFather.继续酿酒吧弗朗西斯Sticktomakingwine,Francis.可是正当我要永远放弃电影业时ButjustasIwasabouttogiveuponcinemaforever,林卡德里赫拉特的童年问世了alongcameLinkardRichlater1SBoyhood.这部电影拍摄花了12年时间Ittook12yearstomakethismovie
42、.想想看Considerthat.12年来所有男女大小For12years,everyman,woman,andchild都必须住在片场不准离开hadtoliveonset,neverallowedtoleave.他们吃在那里住在那里Theyatethere,sleptthere,andattimes,有时候可能还要借助栅栏和暴♥力♥surelyhadtobekepttherethroughtheaidoffences让他们留在那里andphysicalviolence.可是最终他们拍成了电影Butattheendoftheday,theymadeamovie,大赚
43、了一笔andmoviesmakesomuchmoney.我觉得这时间花得值dcallthattimewellspent.我很荣幸能为我可爱的羽毛朋友们Itsbeenanhonortoreviewthenewestflicks评论好莱坞的坡新电影inHollyweirdforyou,myfine,featheredfriends.愿我安息MayIrestinpeace.库特播讲完毕下播KooteroverandKooterout.很棒的告别评论桑迪Greatfarewellreview,Sandy.最棒之一下周再见Oneofyourbest.Seeyounextweek.芭芭拉拜托你是我制片人B
44、arb,please.You,remyproducer.别再钓我了想个解决办法Stopcatfishingmeandfixthis.根据收听数据我们很多听众Aw.Basedonlistenerdata,lotofouraudience都是在车内收听的listenstotheshowinthecar.那又怎么样Sowhat?我在想Well,Iwasjustthinking.我小时候必须坐在前排WhenIwasagirl,Ineededtositinthefrontseat这样才能看到前方的路而不至于晕车soIcouldseetheroadandnotgetcarsick.也许有些人需要看到你在Somaybesomepeoplejustneedtoseeyouwhileyou,re-慢着等等别说了Wait,wait,wait.Shutup.我在想Iwasjustthinking.我小时候必须坐在前排WhenIwasagirl,Ineededtositinthefrontseat这样才能看到前方的路而不至于晕车soIcouldseetheroadandnotgetcarsick.也许有些人需要听我说话的时候看到我Somaybesomepeoplejustneedtoseemewhilemspeaking.这是个好主意劳伦Thatsagreatidea,Lauren.我的天哪我的天
